Moving to the South

This one was sent to me by my brother Bob in an email dated 3/24/98.  I found it on a web site titled "Country Humor."  No attribution in either place.  I'm trying to learn.  Here's the item:

27 Tips for Yankees moving South

• Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed later how to use it.
• If you forget a Southerner's name, refer to him (or her) as "Bubba". You have a 75% chance of being right.
• Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean we can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows.
• If you do run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in the cab of a four wheel drive with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
• Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
• Do not buy food at the movie store.
• If it can't be fried in bacon grease, it ain't worth cooking, let alone eating.
• Remember: "Y'all" is singular. "All y'all" is plural. "All y'all's" is plural possessive.
• There is nothing sillier than a Northerner imitating a southern accent, unless it is a southerner imitating a Boston accent.
• Get used to hearing, "You ain't from around here, are you?"
• People walk slower here.
• Don't be worried that you don't understand anyone. They don't understand you either.
• The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "Big ol'", as in "big ol' truck"or "big ol' boy". Eighty-five percent begin their new southern influenced dialect with this expression. One hundred percent are in denial about it.
• The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper.
• Be advised: The "He needed killin'" defense is valid here.
• If attending a funeral in the South, remember, we stay until the last shovel of dirt is thrown on and the tent is torn down.
• If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, y'all, watch this!" stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say.
• Most Southerners do not use turn signals, and they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was on when the car was purchased.
• Northerners can be identified by the spit on the inside of their car's windshield that comes from yelling at other drivers.
• The winter wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until November.
• If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store, it is just something you're supposed to do.
• Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one it is to be positioned directly in front of your trailer. This is logical bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the trailer and should, therefore, be displayed.
• Tornadoes and Southerners going through a divorce have a lot in common. In either case, you know someone is going to lose a trailer. 
• Florida is not considered a southern state. There are far more Yankees than Southerners living there.
• In southern churches you will hear the hymn, "All Glory, Laud and Honor". You will also hear expressions such as, "Laud, have mercy","Good Laud", and "Laudy, Laudy, Laudy".
• As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone, directly in the middle of the road, remember, many folks learned to drive on a model of vehicle known as John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle.
• You can ask a Southerner for directions, but unless you already know the position of key hills, trees and rocks, you're better off trying to find it yourself.

A more sympathetic view is offered by Barnabas Piper at http://theblazingcenter.com/2015/05/25-things-yankees-should-know-when-moving-to-the-south.html

Enjoy!

RETIRED HUSBAND

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. 

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. 

Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. 

Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target: 

Dear Mrs. Harris, 

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. 

We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras: 

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking. 

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals. 

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom. 

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. 

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway. 

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area. 

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged. 

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called. 

9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose. 

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were. 

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible' theme. 

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels. 

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!' 

14. October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!' 

And last, but not least: 

15. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out. 

Getting Started

My two brothers both have blogs (one has multiple blogs).  Two of my children blog; my son Kevin just started a new blog, adding to one devoted exclusively to poetry.  Having recently retired, I have no excuse for idling rather than making my own contribution.

While doing some unpacking, I ran across my "humor file."  It is a collection of papers (remember paper?) assembled over the years of things that struck me as funny and worth saving.  Some are emails from the days when we were enamored of forwarding 'insights' to those on our address list.

Now that I no longer work in an office where I can take the printed piece to the lunch room for others to read, and now that my wife is eager for me to express myself to others besides her, I will endeavor to post some humor from time to time and share via Facebook and Twitter.

My first offering strikes home will be about a retired husband, describing his attempts to busy himself while his wife shops.  (Unfortunately, I do not have attribution.  So if anyone can identify its origin, I will be happy to give credit.  It has been on the internet since at least 2009.)  I'll post it subsequent to this posting.

Even if I'm the only one that gets a laugh, it will be enjoyable for me.