During a recent visit with our daughter and son-in-law, Elissa made a crack that struck Sean as being a bit disrespectful toward me. She responded with something to the effect that she was simply pointing fondly to one of my personality traits (quirks, if you prefer), and added something like "that's how we show our love in this family."
Our children have inherited a trait that characterizes my relationship with my two brothers: teasing in love. Honestly, I think their kids treat them just as badly as my kids treat me.
On the occasion of my 60th birthday (7 years ago!), my wife assembled our children for a very special celebration. My brothers could not attend, but they sent words of 'congratulations' by letter.
Here's the letter from Brother Larry:
Dear Don,
I'm writing this in a larger font to make it easier to read now that you have reached superannuation. Congratulations, even though your accomplishment pales in comparison to most biblical figures, I suppose any excuse to celebrate shouldn't be missed. (After all, you've distinguished yourself as quite the "party animal." Zzzzzzzz.)
I am sorry that I cannot be there in person to observe your senescence, because my relative youth would appear to make me spry next to your decrepitude. And Bob would be a veritable pipsqueak (you've got to start learning these words, now – it's one of the rules in the "now you're old" book.)
Who would have thought, as you rode around me on your bike, while I played in the backyard sandbox in Cheboygan that this day would arrive? Or that we would both survive this long after the dangerous games of "crack-the-whip" in Ann Arbor, or your misguided birthday gift to me of football pads and helmet (that resulted in your broken arm) in Silverton? Oh, you were always the dangerous, envelope-pushing sort, weren't you? Remember engaging in the dangerous art of "discussion" with dad while living in Newport (about the difference between perspicuity and perspicacity)? You almost came to blows, and by blows I mean having to stop and catch your breath. Ah, the good times of mirth and adventure! I know you're continuing that daring lifestyle, although you may not realize it – short-term memory loss and all. I know you're continuing that daring lifestyle, although you may not realize it – short-term memory loss and all.
It is said "the good die young." You are a wonderful exemplification of this maxim. Perhaps that's been your plan all along. Nary a hospitalization to announce your goodness. Very few broken bones. Probably building up quite a stash of sick days, even.
So, enjoy this family gathering and honor! The first of our generation to reach 60. (Not that such an honor is notable: you were the first of our generation to reach any age. Funny how that works.)
Take heart (and watch the same) in the medical advances that make much more likely the outcome that you will live not only beyond any semblance of usefulness (not that you have much use now) but also beyond any semblance of awareness of your surroundings.
If I could provide you with a tangible gift on this occasion (but I'm too cheap to send it) it would be one of Noah's used bibs – you'll need it as you start to lose muscle control and begin to drool.
Given our familial history, I need to leave something to say on your 70th, 80th, and 90th birthdays, which also makes this even less noteworthy. (Why ARE we celebrating something so common as 60 years of age? Rock stars and sex symbols are now commonly in their 60s. What do you have to compare!?) So with this simple wish, I'll leave you to enjoy what remains of the party before you drift off to sleep for one of your increasingly common naps. (I know, just resting your eyes.)
Happy Birthday. Don't overdo the Maalox cocktail!
With what passes for love in this family,
Larry, your younger brother (in case you forgot, although you may not realize it – short-term memory loss and all.)
Sunday, June 19, 2016
Saturday, June 18, 2016
Loving, laughing family - Part I
During a recent visit with our daughter and son-in-law, Elissa made a crack that struck Sean as being a bit disrespectful toward me. She responded with something to the effect that she was simply pointing fondly to one of my personality traits (quirks, if you prefer), and added something like "that's how we show our love in this family."
Our children have inherited a trait that characterizes my relationship with my two brothers: teasing in love. Honestly, I think their kids treat them just as badly as my kids treat me.
On the occasion of my 60th birthday (7 years ago!), my wife assembled our children for a very special celebration. My brothers could not attend, but they sent words of 'congratulations' by letter.
Here's the letter from Brother Bob:
Dear Don,
I can't believe in just a few days, I'm gonna have a brother who is sixty years old. I know your birthday isn't supposed to be all about me, but it is. I mean, I'm too young to have a 60-year-old for a brother. Not that you were ever young. What teenager, for crying out loud, sets his clock radio to "Your morning Mayor, Jim O'Neil," on WLW-AM? WLW? Seriously? In those days? And how well I remember hearing you climb the stairs after I'd gone to bed; I could always hear you coming because your ankles would pop like a bowl of Rice Krispies. At least you had a Volkswagen Beetle; that was sorta cool. And you did wear the same style of glasses as Buddy Holly. Which was less cool in 1969 than in 1959, when he died, but whatever.
So you're old enough now to remember when the Dead Sea was only sick. You're old enough now that when your wife says "Let's go upstairs and make love ," you say, "Honey, you know I can't do both." You're old enough that a rocking chair is a little too much of a thrill ride for you. You're old enough that every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell. You're old enough that adult diapers aren't necessary… just convenient. You're old enough that it takes a couple tries to get over a speed bump. You're old enough that you have to catch your breath after walking DOWN a flight of stairs. You're old enough that you've learned never to take a sleeping pill and laxative at the same time.
Happy birthday, anyway. I'm glad you're my brother. And I am grateful that I'll always be younger than you. Considerably younger. That's small consolation, though, when your kids won't stop harping on the ways they say I'm just like you. That's crap.
With a mere fifty years worth of love, from me to you,
Bob
Our children have inherited a trait that characterizes my relationship with my two brothers: teasing in love. Honestly, I think their kids treat them just as badly as my kids treat me.
On the occasion of my 60th birthday (7 years ago!), my wife assembled our children for a very special celebration. My brothers could not attend, but they sent words of 'congratulations' by letter.
Here's the letter from Brother Bob:
Dear Don,
I can't believe in just a few days, I'm gonna have a brother who is sixty years old. I know your birthday isn't supposed to be all about me, but it is. I mean, I'm too young to have a 60-year-old for a brother. Not that you were ever young. What teenager, for crying out loud, sets his clock radio to "Your morning Mayor, Jim O'Neil," on WLW-AM? WLW? Seriously? In those days? And how well I remember hearing you climb the stairs after I'd gone to bed; I could always hear you coming because your ankles would pop like a bowl of Rice Krispies. At least you had a Volkswagen Beetle; that was sorta cool. And you did wear the same style of glasses as Buddy Holly. Which was less cool in 1969 than in 1959, when he died, but whatever.
So you're old enough now to remember when the Dead Sea was only sick. You're old enough now that when your wife says "Let's go upstairs and make love ," you say, "Honey, you know I can't do both." You're old enough that a rocking chair is a little too much of a thrill ride for you. You're old enough that every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell. You're old enough that adult diapers aren't necessary… just convenient. You're old enough that it takes a couple tries to get over a speed bump. You're old enough that you have to catch your breath after walking DOWN a flight of stairs. You're old enough that you've learned never to take a sleeping pill and laxative at the same time.
Happy birthday, anyway. I'm glad you're my brother. And I am grateful that I'll always be younger than you. Considerably younger. That's small consolation, though, when your kids won't stop harping on the ways they say I'm just like you. That's crap.
With a mere fifty years worth of love, from me to you,
Bob
Monday, June 13, 2016
Letter of Reference
Have you ever been asked to write a letter of reference for someone whom you were not too enthusiastic about? Or, worse, have you been put 'on the spot' to comment about someone who was listening to the conversation.
As Rod Serling might say, "Consider the following":
THE BOSS ASKED FOR A LETTER DESCRIBING BOB BURT
Bob Burt, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classified as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Sd/-
Project Leader
A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER
That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines (1, 3, 5 ...) for my true assessment of him.
As Rod Serling might say, "Consider the following":
THE BOSS ASKED FOR A LETTER DESCRIBING BOB BURT
Bob Burt, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classified as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Sd/-
Project Leader
A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER
That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines (1, 3, 5 ...) for my true assessment of him.
Friday, June 10, 2016
Beating a dead horse
This piece came to me from Major James Sloan. It describes common business strategies for avoiding reality.
Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you’re riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However in business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:
Buy a stronger whip.
Change riders. Threaten the horse with termination. Say things like, “This is the way we have always ridden this horse.” Appoint a committee to study the horse. Arrange to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses. Lower the standards so that dead horses can be included. Appoint a tiger team to revive the dead horse. Ride the dead horse “outside the box.” Buy a commercial off-the-shelf dead horse. Create a training session to increase our riding ability. Reclassify the dead horse as “living-impaired.” Compare the state of dead horses in today’s environment. Change the autopsy report to declare that “This horse is not dead.” Kill all the other horses, so this one will look the same. Name the dead horse “Paradigm Shift” and keep riding it. Ride the dead horse “smarter” not harder. Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed. Do a time management study to see if the lighter riders would improve productivity. Declare that “No horse is too dead to beat.”
Call the dead horse a “joint venture” and let others ride it.
Provide additional funding to increase the horse’s performance. Do a cost analysis study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper. Purchase an aftermarket product to make dead horses run faster. Declare the horse is “better, faster, and cheaper” dead. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses. Declare that “This horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.” Get the horse a Web site. Promote the horse to a supervisory position. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses. Declare that at this point, what difference does it make? In this election season, I am hearing a lot of these ideas. From now on, I'll just refer to them as "dead horse theories." |
Thursday, June 9, 2016
Ode to a Committee
A common organizational hazard is assignment to a committee. Committees are notorious for having difficulty arriving at productive conclusions. "A camel is a horse designed by a committee" is the maxim coined by Vogue magazine in 1958.
So I share this ode, titled simply "The Committee":
O give me your pity, I'm on a committee
Which means that from morning to night,
We attend and amend, and contend and defend
Without a conclusion in sight.
We confer and concur, we defer and demur
And reiterate all of our thoughts.
We revise the agenda with frequent addenda,
And consider a load of reports.
We compose and propose, we suppose and oppose,
And the points of procedure are fun;
But though various notions are brought up as motions,
There's terribly little gets done.
We resolve and absolve, but we never dissolve,
Since it's out of the question for us.
What a shattering pity to end our committee.
Where else could we make such a fuss?
(Attributed to Leslie Lipson, Copyright Phong Ngo RG APR99)
So I share this ode, titled simply "The Committee":
O give me your pity, I'm on a committee
Which means that from morning to night,
We attend and amend, and contend and defend
Without a conclusion in sight.
We confer and concur, we defer and demur
And reiterate all of our thoughts.
We revise the agenda with frequent addenda,
And consider a load of reports.
We compose and propose, we suppose and oppose,
And the points of procedure are fun;
But though various notions are brought up as motions,
There's terribly little gets done.
We resolve and absolve, but we never dissolve,
Since it's out of the question for us.
What a shattering pity to end our committee.
Where else could we make such a fuss?
(Attributed to Leslie Lipson, Copyright Phong Ngo RG APR99)
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
Unexcused absences
This email came to me from Brother Bob with the Subject Line "Fwd: !!@!" The title of the piece is "Reasons for Missing Work." While I have had excuses offered that came close to some of these, I can say (thankfully) that no-one tried these specific excuses on me.
Excuses For Missing Work 1. If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today. 2. When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it. 3. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early. 4. My stigmata's acting up. 5. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK? 6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet... 7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant. 8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling. 9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb. 10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information. 11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled. 12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet. 13. I prefer to remain an enigma. 14. My step other has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it. 15. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation. 16. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian. 17. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates. 18. I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share. 19. I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!
Tuesday, June 7, 2016
Service Reviews
One of the least appealing aspects of the workplace is the annual evaluation of one's work. It is often viewed negatively by reviewer and reviewee alike. Among my responsibilities for more than two decades was to conduct Service Reviews for Salvation Army Officers. Try as I might to make it encouraging and productive, assessing another's work tended to be endured rather than enjoyed by the Officer under review.
There is a temptation to 'sugar coat' hard news. There is also a tendency to avoid direct honesty. It is a perpetual problem, as revealed by the following received from my brother Bob in 1997:
There is a temptation to 'sugar coat' hard news. There is also a tendency to avoid direct honesty. It is a perpetual problem, as revealed by the following received from my brother Bob in 1997:
Dictionary of Evaluation Comments
22OCT
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