Unexcused absences

This email came to me from Brother Bob with the Subject Line "Fwd: !!@!"  The title of the piece is "Reasons for Missing Work."  While I have had excuses offered that came close to some of these, I can say (thankfully) that no-one tried these specific excuses on me.

Excuses For Missing Work 

1.  If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work.  The voices told me to clean all the guns today.

2.  When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac.  I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.

3.  I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion).  I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times.  Accordingly, I will be in late, or early.

4.  My stigmata's acting up.

5.  I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work.  OK?

6.  I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet...

7.  I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant.

8.  Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh?  So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you?  No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling.

9.  Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

10.  I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

11.  The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session.  He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.

12.  The dog ate my car keys.  We're going to hitchhike to the vet.

13.  I prefer to remain an enigma.

14.  My step other has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

15.  I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.

16.  I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.

17.  I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.

18.  I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax.  I insist on paying my fair share.

19.  I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!