Received from my brother Larry in 2002:
Subject: Sermon fodder
A young minister sitting down to dinner was about to say Grace when he opened the casserole dish that his thrifty bride had prepared from all of the refrigerator leftovers. "I don't know," he said dubiously, "but it seems to me that I've blessed all this stuff before."
"As God said in the Bible, and I think rightly…" – Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher
"I want to die before my wife. The reason is: If it is true that when you die, your soul goes up to judgment, I don't want my wife up there ahead of me to tell them things." -- Bill Cosby [this quote obviously has an ironic sub-text in light of what we have learned since 2002]
The Sunday School teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar. And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times. "Now," said the teach, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?" A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know, I know," she said. "To make the gravy!"
Wednesday, June 29, 2016
How a third-grader explains God
My son Philip sent this to me in 2002. I found it (revised a wee bit) on the Fruitland Baptist Church web site.
{Accredited to an 8-year-old named Danny
Dutton, of Chula Vista, CA-a third grade
homework assignment.}
“One of God’s main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn’t make grownups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way he doesn’t have to take up his valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.
“God’s second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime. God doesn’t have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your Mom and Dad's head asking for something they said you shouldn't have.
"Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church.
“Jesus is God’s Son. He used to do all the hard work, like walking on water and performing miracles and
“One of God’s main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn’t make grownups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way he doesn’t have to take up his valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.
“God’s second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime. God doesn’t have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your Mom and Dad's head asking for something they said you shouldn't have.
"Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church.
“Jesus is God’s Son. He used to do all the hard work, like walking on water and performing miracles and
people finally got tired of Him preaching
to them and they crucified Him. But He was
good and kind, like His Father, and He told
His Father that they didn't know what they
were doing to forgive them and God said 'O.K.' His dad (God) appreciated
everything that He had done and all His
hard work on earth so He told Him He
didn’t have to go out on the road
anymore. He could stay in heaven. So
He did. And now He helps His dad out
by listening to prayers and seeing things
which are important for God to take care
of and which ones He can take care of
Himself without having to bother God.
Like a secretary, only more important. You can pray any time you want and they are sure to help you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time.
“You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there’s anybody you want to make happy, it’s God! Don’t skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong. And besides the sun doesn’t come out at the beach until noon anyway.
“You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there’s anybody you want to make happy, it’s God! Don’t skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong. And besides the sun doesn’t come out at the beach until noon anyway.
“If you don’t believe in God,
besides being an atheist, you will be very
lonely, because your parents can’t go
everywhere with you, like to camp, but
God can. It is good to know He’s around
you when you’re scared, in the dark or
when you can’t swim and you get thrown
into real deep water by big kids.
“But.. . . you shouldn’t just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases.
“And . . . that’s why I believe in God.”
“But.. . . you shouldn’t just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases.
“And . . . that’s why I believe in God.”
If Paul Had PowerPoint
I have heard Gordon MacDonald several times. He is a powerful communicator and is exceptionally facile with technology. So if he has these thoughts, I am encouraged when my own forays into conference/retreat presentations create uncomfortable moments. This was published in Leadership Journal in 2003
If Paul Had PowerPoint
Without Windows NT, is it a wonder the gospel ever escaped Jerusalem?
October 8, 2003
When my imagination gets out of control, I think about what it must have been like in the days when the Apostles (Peter and Paul, for example) were preaching. Sometimes, I wonder if they would have had patience with our ways in today's world. For example, a considerable amount of my time is spent speaking at pastors conferences and other similar events. I feel complimented when I am asked to participate. I have never quite gotten over the notion that people are willing to invite me to their church or their conference and give me a chance to open my heart. Accepting the invitation is relatively easy. It's what often comes afterwards that gets complicated. That's where I get to thinking about Peter and Paul. Imagine letters going out to them that sound like this:
To: Peter, c/o Jerusalemchurch.org
We are looking forward to your preaching in the Temple square on Pentecost day 9 months from tomorrow. Since we are about to send out our first wave of publicity, we would like to ask your assistance. We need a topic and a brief outline (100 words or less) of your remarks. Three months from now, we will ask you to submit your Scripture references and any quotes, plus a complete outline so that our graphics department can provide a handout for the several thousand we anticipate attending. Additionally, we will need you to sign the enclosed tape/video release form that will give our production department the right to sell "product" during the conference. If you have any books you'd like to recommend, we will be happy to order these and sell them in our bookstore.
We are looking forward to your preaching in the Temple square on Pentecost day 9 months from tomorrow. Since we are about to send out our first wave of publicity, we would like to ask your assistance. We need a topic and a brief outline (100 words or less) of your remarks. Three months from now, we will ask you to submit your Scripture references and any quotes, plus a complete outline so that our graphics department can provide a handout for the several thousand we anticipate attending. Additionally, we will need you to sign the enclosed tape/video release form that will give our production department the right to sell "product" during the conference. If you have any books you'd like to recommend, we will be happy to order these and sell them in our bookstore.
To: Paul, c/o Antiochchurch.org
The Mars Hill Society has been sponsoring guest lectures for many years, and we are looking forward to your participation next year. We will be sending a contract for your signature. Please return with your Social Security number. In preparation for that time, we would appreciate a biographical kit that includes information about your life and work. Three 5x7 press photos, one in color if possible, would also be appreciated. Please include your academic credentials and titles of anything you have written.
The Mars Hill Society has been sponsoring guest lectures for many years, and we are looking forward to your participation next year. We will be sending a contract for your signature. Please return with your Social Security number. In preparation for that time, we would appreciate a biographical kit that includes information about your life and work. Three 5x7 press photos, one in color if possible, would also be appreciated. Please include your academic credentials and titles of anything you have written.
Our A/V people will want to know if you prefer a lapel or hand-held mike. Do you have any personal needs for water or food? Your hotel accommodations will be underwritten for the night before and after the speech. You will be given a per diem reimbursement for all meals on the day of the speech. Phone calls, in-room movies, and any other items will be at your own expense. Could you please send us your required fee for appearing?
Then the day comes:
Peter (his first words at Pentecost): "Hello, hello…am I on? Am I on? Testing, check, check, check…"
Peter (his first words at Pentecost): "Hello, hello…am I on? Am I on? Testing, check, check, check…"
Paul (his first words at Mars Hill): "I'm thrilled to be here today so that—You can't hear in the back row? HOW'S THIS? CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? I was going use PowerPoint in this presentation, but the computer…"
(With apologies to all of those who invite me to speak and whose job it is to send me e-mails not dissimilar to these. I was just having fun.)
Moses, God and Computers
My wife, who is more tech savvy than I, got a call from a friend the other day to help solve a problem with email. It put me in mind of this imaginary conversation between God and Moses. It's been around since 2002, when my Aunt Dolly sent it to me. It can currently be found at eBaum's World
"Excuse me, Lord."
"Is that you again, Moses?"
"I am afraid it is, Lord."
"What is it this time, Moses; more computer problems?"
"How did you guess?"
"I do not have to guess, Moses. Remember?"
"Oh, yes; I forgot."
"Tell me what you want, Moses."
"But you already know; remember?"
"Moses!"
"Sorry, Lord."
"Well, go ahead, Moses; say it."
"Well, I have a question, Lord. You know those 'ten things' you sent me?"
"You mean the Ten Commandments, Moses?"
" Yes. I was wondering if they were important."
"What do you mean 'important,' Moses? Of course, they are important. Otherwise, I would not have sent them to you."
"Well sorry, Lord, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them; but, of course, you would see right through that."
"What do you mean 'you lost them'? Are you trying to tell me you did
not save them, Moses?"
"No, Lord; I forgot."
"You should always save, Moses."
"Yes, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot. I did send them to some people before I lost them though."
"And did you hear back from any of those people?"
"You already know I did. What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'? Is it all right if he changes the words a little bit?"
"Yes, Moses, as long as he does not change the meaning."
"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and recommended calling them the 'Ten Suggestions' or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"
"Moses, I will pretend I did not hear that."
"I think that means 'no'. Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?"
"I think the term is 'spamming,' Moses."
"Oh, yes. I emailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."
"And what did he say?"
"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those er plagues, and that's the reason I lost those "ten things", do you?"
"They are called 'viruses,' Moses."
"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but at least I never lost them."
"We will do it the new way, Moses."
"I was afraid you would say that, Lord."
"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"
"You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer."
"It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"
"No, I decided to call technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours. By the way, Lord, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"
"No, Moses."
"One other thing. Why did you not name them 'frogs' instead of 'mice', because did you not tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"
"I did not name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to."
"Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, Lord? I bet some woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, was it not a woman who named one of the computers Apple?"
"Say good night, Moses."
"Wait a minute, Lord. I am stretching out the mouse, and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the 'ten things' have come back."
"Which ones are they, Moses?"
"Let me see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and 'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'"
"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone tablets."
"Excuse me, Lord."
"Is that you again, Moses?"
"I am afraid it is, Lord."
"What is it this time, Moses; more computer problems?"
"How did you guess?"
"I do not have to guess, Moses. Remember?"
"Oh, yes; I forgot."
"Tell me what you want, Moses."
"But you already know; remember?"
"Moses!"
"Sorry, Lord."
"Well, go ahead, Moses; say it."
"Well, I have a question, Lord. You know those 'ten things' you sent me?"
"You mean the Ten Commandments, Moses?"
" Yes. I was wondering if they were important."
"What do you mean 'important,' Moses? Of course, they are important. Otherwise, I would not have sent them to you."
"Well sorry, Lord, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them; but, of course, you would see right through that."
"What do you mean 'you lost them'? Are you trying to tell me you did
not save them, Moses?"
"No, Lord; I forgot."
"You should always save, Moses."
"Yes, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot. I did send them to some people before I lost them though."
"And did you hear back from any of those people?"
"You already know I did. What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'? Is it all right if he changes the words a little bit?"
"Yes, Moses, as long as he does not change the meaning."
"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and recommended calling them the 'Ten Suggestions' or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"
"Moses, I will pretend I did not hear that."
"I think that means 'no'. Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?"
"I think the term is 'spamming,' Moses."
"Oh, yes. I emailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."
"And what did he say?"
"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those er plagues, and that's the reason I lost those "ten things", do you?"
"They are called 'viruses,' Moses."
"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but at least I never lost them."
"We will do it the new way, Moses."
"I was afraid you would say that, Lord."
"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"
"You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer."
"It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"
"No, I decided to call technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours. By the way, Lord, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"
"No, Moses."
"One other thing. Why did you not name them 'frogs' instead of 'mice', because did you not tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"
"I did not name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to."
"Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, Lord? I bet some woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, was it not a woman who named one of the computers Apple?"
"Say good night, Moses."
"Wait a minute, Lord. I am stretching out the mouse, and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the 'ten things' have come back."
"Which ones are they, Moses?"
"Let me see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and 'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'"
"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone tablets."
Wednesday, June 22, 2016
Is Someone at work out to get you?
Originally sent to me in 1998 under the title The Top Ten Signs Someone at Work is Out to Get You (with a copyright credit to Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc.), I found the list on-line as Top 16 Signs Someone at Work is Out to Get You. (Three of the entries were too offensive for me to include, so I acted like the Justice Department and redacted them.)
16. The Human Resources rep keeps advising you to apply for extra dismemberment insurance.
15. The guy from shipping says they have to store some toxic waste in your office for "just a couple days." Your company, however, makes doilies.
14. Someone's been signing you up for the office blood drive. Daily.
13. Everyone else gets e-mail. You get "note-wrapped-around-a-brick-speeding-at-your-head-mail."
12. [redacted]
11. New job position posted: "Vice-President of My Butt" Only applicant: You
10. Co-workers point and whisper that you're the one who ate the "Bagel O' Death."
9. Somebody went to the trouble of making a little Hitler mustache and swastika armband for your Dilbert doll.
8. You're honored to be in the "South Park" skit at the office party, but why does everyone insist you play "Kenny"?
7. [redacted]
6. The pushy new Pastry Cart man looks an awful lot like that Kevorkian guy.
5. Your position's symbol on the organizational chart now shows up as a hanging stick figure.
4. During your diversity training, someone announces on the intercom that "the cleaners are here with your Grand Wizard outfit."
3. Your name is spelled out in urinal cakes in the men's room trough.
2. Oh, come on -- it's not like your new Windows 98 operating system just keeps crashing by itself!
1. [redacted]
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
Metaphors'R'Us
Everyday conversation is often laced with expressions that are metaphorical in nature. Sometimes we are aware of the origin of the expression, but often we are not.
Here is "an old attempt at humor of mine" from Jim Hepburn, 18 years older now, of course.
RE: Report on Nautical Terms
I have attempted to continue my research into the above subject. To this end, I strove to interview a fellow employee (who shall remain unnamed). Unfortunately, he had returned from "lunch" three sheets to the wind and summarily keeled over.
Having realized that I had missed the boat with this interview, I decided to try a different tack. I placed a notice on the bulletin board asking for responses. I was surprised shortly after by a visitor to my office. He was obviously under the weather, his zipper was at half mast, and I'm not sure he had both oars in the water if you catch my drift.
As you can imagine, this episode had knocked the wind out of my sails. I was now totally dead in the water – in the doldrums, so to speak. Maybe I had gone overboard in my search? In desperation, I used self-hypnosis, projecting myself mentally into being the skipper of a sailing vessel.
Bingo! This change of course was just what the doctor order (how about medical terms)? I now feel this research project to be on an even keel – no more need to batten down the hatches. I am sure I will encounter only smooth sailing and that the report will be shipshape in no time at all. At last my ship has come in.
Jim Hepburn
Here is "an old attempt at humor of mine" from Jim Hepburn, 18 years older now, of course.
RE: Report on Nautical Terms
I have attempted to continue my research into the above subject. To this end, I strove to interview a fellow employee (who shall remain unnamed). Unfortunately, he had returned from "lunch" three sheets to the wind and summarily keeled over.
Having realized that I had missed the boat with this interview, I decided to try a different tack. I placed a notice on the bulletin board asking for responses. I was surprised shortly after by a visitor to my office. He was obviously under the weather, his zipper was at half mast, and I'm not sure he had both oars in the water if you catch my drift.
As you can imagine, this episode had knocked the wind out of my sails. I was now totally dead in the water – in the doldrums, so to speak. Maybe I had gone overboard in my search? In desperation, I used self-hypnosis, projecting myself mentally into being the skipper of a sailing vessel.
Bingo! This change of course was just what the doctor order (how about medical terms)? I now feel this research project to be on an even keel – no more need to batten down the hatches. I am sure I will encounter only smooth sailing and that the report will be shipshape in no time at all. At last my ship has come in.
Jim Hepburn
Monday, June 20, 2016
Preparing your resume
It has been nearly a half century since we sent our Preliminary Application for Officership. So considering "normal" employment after more than four decades of Salvation Army officership raises the question of preparing a resume.
There's lots of help offered on the internet. There are also some examples of mistakes to avoid. Here are some real-life examples of mistakes made on resumes (by the way, I can add from recent experience with this blog that spell check and auto-correct are not always an antidote to these kinds of mistakes):
"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
"I am a rabid typist."
"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."
"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."
"Proven ability to track down and correct erors."
"Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."
"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."
"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."
"Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteroology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate--especially when the task is unpleasant."
"I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to resond to my resume on my office voicemanil."
"Qualifications: No education or experience."
"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
"Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
"Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"
There's lots of help offered on the internet. There are also some examples of mistakes to avoid. Here are some real-life examples of mistakes made on resumes (by the way, I can add from recent experience with this blog that spell check and auto-correct are not always an antidote to these kinds of mistakes):
"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
"I am a rabid typist."
"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."
"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."
"Proven ability to track down and correct erors."
"Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."
"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."
"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."
"Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteroology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate--especially when the task is unpleasant."
"I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to resond to my resume on my office voicemanil."
"Qualifications: No education or experience."
"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
"Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
"Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"
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