At just the right time

Scripture tells us that Jesus was born "when the right time came." (Gal. 4:4, NLT)  On Christmas Eve 2002, USA Today carried the following letter to the Editor from Daniel Shanty of Soberly, MO:

It's a good thing that Jesus was born in a manger 2,000 years ago, because it probably couldn't happen today.

• People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) would protest the interruption of bovine feeding schedules and bring suit against the innkeeper.
• The American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) would protest the angels singing religious songs in a public place.
• Mary and Joseph would not be allowed in a hospital because they were poor and had no insurance.
• So-called child defenders would arrest Mary for a substandard birth and Jesus would be passed around in foster homes the rest of his life.

Yep, I think Jesus was born just in the nick of time.

Things that it took me 50 years to learn

In 2002, I had a piece forwarded to me titled "Things that it took me 50 years to learn" by Dave Barry.  In my attempt to 'source' it, I discovered that snopes.com "fact-checked" whether it was indeed a Dave Barry column.  They wrote, "If we had to come up with a list of "e-mail truisms," one of the entries would probably something along the lines of: "No list of funny headlines, humorous quips, witty observations, or the like will survive more than five forwardings in its original state.""  Apparently, the original column had 25 items; the list I was sent had 19, 16 of which were on Dave Barry's original list.  There are several versions, even, of Barry's original list, which is in his book Dave Barry Turns 50.  Here's the list of 19 which I received:

>1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping
> pill and a laxative on the same night.
>
> 2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason
> why the human race has not achieved, and never will
> achieve, its full potential, that word would be
> "meetings."
>
> 3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and
> "mental illness."
>
> 4. People who want to share their religious views with
> you almost never want you to share yours with them.
>
> 5. And when God, who created the entire universe
> with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to
> humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a
> person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
>
> 6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
>
> 7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way
> to take it too seriously.
>
> 8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is
> always one individual who perceives a solution and is
> willing to take command. Very often, that individual is
> crazy.
>
> 9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up
> and dance.
>
> 10. Never lick a steak knife.
>
> 11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
>
> 12. The most destructive force in the universe is
> gossip.
>
> 13. You will never find anybody who can give you a
> clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight
> savings time.
>
> 14. You should never say anything to a woman that
> even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant
> unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her
> at that moment.
>
> 15. There comes a time when you should stop
> expecting other people to make a big deal about your
> birthday. That time is age eleven.
>
> 16. The one thing that unites all human beings,
> regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or
> ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL
> believe that we are above average drivers.
>
> 17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized
> protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
>
> 18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the
> waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important.
> Pay attention. It never fails.)
>
> 19. Your friends love you anyway.

The best part of waking up

A little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee in bed. He had made it all by himself and was very proud of himself. He waited eagerly to hear her verdict on the quality of the coffee. The grandmother had truly never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee. The first few sips just about did her in, but she praised her grandson, and told him it was wonderful - and she drank it all anyway. As she forced down the last sip, she noticed three little green army guys in the bottom of the cup. She asked, “Honey, why would three of your little army guys be in the bottom of my cup?” Her grandson replied, “You know, Grandma, it’s like on TV: ‘The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.’ ”

Read more: http://joe-ks.com/archives_feb2004/Grandson_Coffee.htm#ixzz3sKmqVH3O

"Sound of Music" done by AARP

"Sound of Music" is a terrific musical.  One of the songs is "My Favorite Things."  Here is the Senior Version, as found on hymnsandcarolsofchristmas.com

My Favorite Things – Senior Version

A Humorous Parody

Words: Anonymous

Music: “My Favorite Things,” Richard Rodgers

Maalox and nose drops and needles for knitting,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittings,
Bundles of magazines tied up in string,
These are a few of my favourite things. 

Cadillacs and cataracts and hearing aids and glasses,
Polident and Fixodent and false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of my favourite things. 

When the pipes leak, When the bones creak,
When the knees go bad,
I simply remember my favourite things,
And then I don't feel so bad. 

Hot tea and crumpets, and corn pads for bunions,
No spicy hot food or food cooked with onions,
Bathrobes and heat pads and hot meals they bring,
These are a few of my favourite things. 

Back pains, confused brains, and no fear of sinnin',
Thin bones and fractures and hair that is thinnin',
And we won't mention our short shrunken frames,
When we remember our favorite things. 

When the joints ache, when the hips break,
When the eyes grow dim,
Then I remember the great life I've had,
And then I don't feel so bad. 

---

Out in Space

In 1998, astronaut John Glenn returned to space aboard the shuttle Discovery at age 76.  My brother Bob sent me a list of the Top Ten changes made at NASA to accommodate his return to space:

76 year-old John Glenn is returning to space. To help make his trip more comfortable, NASA is making a few changes...

10. All important devices now operated by "the clapper". 
9. The Shuttle's thermostat set at 80 degrees.
8. Standard Astronaut issue; the "Pendant"..."Help I'm floating and I can't get down!"
7. "Early Bird" specials from Morrison's Cafeteria included on the menu.
6. One monitor specifically designated for "Matlock".
5. Roger Whittaker tapes played at nap-time.
4. Top speed of the Shuttle set at 25 miles per hour.
3. Bumber sticker: "Ask me about my grandchildren".
2. Space pants now go up to the armpits.

And the Number 1 change being made for John Glenn...
1. Left-blinker left on for the entire mission.

It is still available on the internet at Handa Web: Comedy Lounge

Am I really that old?

There are many ways in which it seems odd to me that I am old enough to be retired from active service.  On the other hand, there are also frequent reminders of my age -- not the least of which are clerks who automatically give me the Senior Discount.  (I am not complaining, mind you.)

Several of the pieces in my humor file have to do with age.  So that will be my focus this week.  I begin with a piece sent by my brother Larry in 2002 shortly after his 50th birthday.  BTW, he turns 63 today!  Happy Birthday, Larry.

I found it on a number of sites, but share it here from Janis Ian.

Did you hear about the new album called "Baby Boomers Turn Grey"?

Here are a few sample songs:

Paul Simon: "Fifty Ways to Lose your Liver"

Carly Simon: "You're So Varicose Vein"

The BeeGees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"?

Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now"

The Temptations: "Papa Got a Kidney Stone"

Nancy Sinatra: "These Boots are Made for Bunions"

ABBA: "Denture Queen"

Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Times My Back's Out"

Procol Harem: "A Whiter Shade of Hair"

The Beatles: "I Get By With A Little Help From Depends"

Steely Dan: "Rikki Don't Lose That Clapper"

Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"

Creedence Clearwater Revival: "Bad Prune Rising"

Marvin Gaye: "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

The Who: "Talkin' Bout My Medication"

The Troggs: "Bald Thing"

Kim Carnes: "She's Got Baggy Davis Eyes"

Officers' Training

I am the proud product of the Eastern Territory's School for Officer's Training, as it was known then.  I also had the privilege of serving on the SFOT Staff and then on the Staff of the College for Officer Training (known as 'Crestmont') in the Western Territory.  So I share the following Beetle Bailey cartoon in the firm conviction that it does not communicate truth -- although some may think so.

Are they emoji or emoticons?

We have come a long way since someone decided to type a colon, a dash and a right parenthesis to indicate a smiley face.  Now one has an extensive palette of images, including those with animation, to insert into text messages and emails.

Wikipedia describes them thus:  "An emoticon (/ɨˈmoʊtɨkɒn/ or /iˈmoʊtɨkɒn/), etymologically a portmanteau of emotion and icon, is a metacommunicative pictorial representation of a facial expression that, in the absence of body language and prosody, serves to draw a receiver's attention to the tenor or temper of a sender's nominal non-verbal communication, changing and improving its interpretation. It expresses — usually by means of punctuation marks (though it can include numbers and letters) — a person's feelings or mood, though as emoticons have become more popular, some devices have provided stylized pictures that do not use punctuation."  (I love the word 'portmanteau' - I wish it were one itself.)

"Emoji (絵文字えもじ^?, Japanese pronunciation: [emodʑi]) are the ideograms or smileys used in electronic messages and Web pages. The characters, which are used much like ASCIIemoticons or kaomoji, exist in various genres, including facial expressions, common objects, places and types of weather, and animals.

Reading those entries puts me in mind of the following:

Failure to communicate

My last few posts have been about the use of the English language.  It is in the interest of enhancing our capacity to communicate well.

The film "Cool Hand Luke" popularized the phrase "What we've got here is a failure to communicate."  The following panel is a graphic representation of that notion and will be familiar to many in The Salvation Army.

English made easy

The final piece in my "language fun" stack of humor was sent by Tom Dressler in 1997 under the subject line "A Nice Story - Read & Pass it On" ... which, of course, Tom did.  (I did not, because I tried to avoid the endless loop of forwarded emails.)

The top Google hit for the piece was a site called Electric Scotland  and the title is "English made easy."

Having chosen English as the preferred language in the EEC (now officially the European Union, or EU), the European Parliament has commissioned a feasibility study in ways of improving efficiency in communications between Government departments.

European officials have often pointed out that English spelling is unnecessarily difficult; for example: cough, plough, rough, through and thorough. What is clearly needed is a phased programme of changes to iron out these anomalies. The programme would, of course, be administered by a committee staff at top level by participating nations.

In the first year, for example, the committee would suggest using 's' instead of the soft 'c'. Sertainly, sivil servants in all sities would resieve this news with joy. Then the hard 'c' could be replaced by 'k' sinse both letters are pronounsed alike. Not only would this klear up konfusion in the minds of klerikal workers, but typewriters kould be made with one less letter.

There would be growing enthusiasm when in the sekond year, it was anounsed that the troublesome 'ph' would henseforth be written 'f'. This would make words like 'fotograf' twenty persent shorter in print.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible. Governments would enkourage the removal of double letters which have always been a deterent to akurate speling.

We would al agre that the horible mes of silent 'e's in the languag is disgrasful. Therefor we kould drop thes and kontinu to read and writ as though nothing had hapend. By this tim it would be four years sins the skem began and peopl would be reseptive to steps sutsh as replasing 'th' by 'z'. Perhaps zen ze funktion of 'w' kould be taken on by 'v', vitsh is, after al, half a 'w'. Shortly after zis, ze unesesary 'o' kould be dropd from words kontaining 'ou'. Similar arguments vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

Kontinuing zis proses yer after yer, ve vud eventuli hav a reli sensibl riten styl. After tventi yers zer vud be no mor trubls, difikultis and evrivun vud fin it ezi tu understand ech ozer. Ze drems of the uvermnt vud finali hav kum tru.

What's Amore?

Every time I eat at Olive Garden, I hear Dean Martin sing "That's Amore!"  My brother Larry sent me the following more than a dozen years ago.  For attribution, it says simply "Sent from the Internet."

I found it online (expanded from my original list) at The Contest Center.

Italian Love Song 
(To the tune of the 1953 hit That's Amore by Harry Warren and Jack Brooks) 
       When the moon hits your eye 
       like a big pizza pie 
       that's amore. 

       When an eel bites your hand 
       with a pain you can't stand 
       that's a moray. 

       When our habits are strange 
       and our customs deranged 
       that's our mores. 

       When your horse munches straw 
       and the bales total four 
       that's some more hay. 

       When a beam from the sun 
       lights the heath where we run 
       that's a moor ray. 

       When a sand-coated board 
       buffs your nails, yes milord, 
       that's emory. 

       And our friend Mitch Albom 
       every Tuesday would come 
       to hear Morrie. 

       A New Zealander lad 
       sports tatoos by his dad. 
       That's a Maori. 

       When a glacier's retreat 
       piles up stones at its feet 
       that's a moraine. 

       When two patterns of lines 
       cross to form new designs, 
       that's a moiré. 

       The briefest of pauses 
       in poetic clauses, 
       they are morae. 

       What the palest young man 
       needs to get a good tan, 
       that's some more rays. 

       When Othello's poor wife, 
       she gets stabbed with a knife 
       that's a Moor, eh? 

       A great whale in the sea 
       chases Raymond and me. 
       That's Shamu, Ray. 

       When a Japanese knight 
       used a sword in a fight 
       that's Samurai. 

Gotta Go?

My Aunt Dolly, who is now in Glory, discovered the internet when in her seventies.  She loved sending email messages and delighted in forwarding inspirational and humorous emails that were commonly forwarded.  This one is nearly fifteen years old, but I found it on a site called "Brain Candy Jokes"

Van Gogh's Relatives

After much careful research it has been discovered that the artist Vincent Van Gogh had many relatives. Among them were: His obnoxious brother, Please Gogh His dizzy aunt,Verti Gogh The brother who ate prunes, Gotta Gogh The brother who worked at a convenience store, Stop'n Gogh The grandfather from Yugoslavia, U. Gogh The brother who bleached his clothes white, Hue Gogh The cousin from Illinois, Chica Gogh His magician uncle, Wherediddy Gogh His Mexican cousin, Amee Gogh The Mexican cousin's American half-brother, Grin Gogh The nephew who drove a stagecoach, Wellsfar Gogh The constipated uncle, Cant Gogh The ballroom dancing aunt, Tan Gogh The bird lover uncle, Flamin Gogh His nephew, psychoanalyst E. Gogh The fruit loving cousin, Man Gogh An aunt who taught positive thinking, Wayto Gogh The little bouncy nephew, Poe Gogh A sister who loved disco, Go Gogh His Italian uncle, Day Gogh And his niece who travels the country in a van, Winnie Bay Gogh.

Speaking American

A friend of mine , Don Ross, posted on Facebook a review of the book "Speaking American, A History of English in the United States."  Unfortunately, my library doesn't have it, so I'll have to actually make a purchase.  But his post reminded me of a piece my son-in-law sent to me earlier this year.  An editor named Theodora Bryant posted it on her blog under the title "Fun With the English Language."

It's a long piece, with basically three different sections.  I encourage to follow the link and read the whole thing if these things intrigue you.  But for the benefit of my 'funny bone' this morning, I am sharing the middle section.

English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant, nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins weren’t invented in England, nor French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, but are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth, beeth? One goose, two geese. So one moose, two meese? One index, two indices? Doesn’t it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend? If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat? Sometimes I think all the English speakers should be committed to an asylum for the verbally insane. In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by filling it out and in which an alarm goes off by going on.

English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all. That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible.

Why doesn’t “Buick” rhyme with “quick”?

Funny classifieds

Nearly twenty years ago my daughter-in-law Nora sent me a list of oddly worded classified ads she had received from her sister.  I have seen lots of humorous pieces poking fun at poorly worded announcements in church bulletins.  It's good to know that thoughtless wording is not the sole province of the Church.  I found the list posted at jokstop.com

So here you are:

1. Illiterate? Write today for free help.

2. Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

3. Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

4. Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

5. Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

6. Stock up and save. Limit: one.

7. Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

8. 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

9. Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

10. Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

11. Dinner Special -- Turkey $2. 35; Chicken or Beef $2. 25; Children = $2.00

12. For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

13. Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

14. We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

15. For sale. Three canaries of undermined sex. Great Dames for sale.

16. Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

17. Tired of cleaning yourself. Let me do it.

18. Vacation Special: have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

19. Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

20. For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

21. Man, honest. Will take anything.

22. Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated. Come here first.

23. Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

24. Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

25. Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.

26. Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

27. Wanted. Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

28. And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

29. We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00.

30. Free Beer!!. Tomorrow!

A concise compendium of small wisdom

This piece was sent to me in 2000 after multiple forwarding, so I don't know the original sender.  I found it on the internet at Worcester Polytechnic Institute, although without the preamble.

Enjoy!

In this confusing and complex times [sic] the bewildered citizen of the world (that's you) needs clear and simple guidelines to the accumulated wisdom and lore of the world.  As a service to indifferent humanity we have gathered together a concise compendium of small wisdom.

ON METAPHYSICS
Deja Fu: The feeling that somehow, somewhere, you've been kicked in the 
head like this before.
     
ON DEEP THOUGHTS
A day without sunshine is like night.
     
ON PARADOX AND RETURN POLICIES
There is a CD out entitled "The Worst of Jefferson Airplane". If you buy 
this, take it home, play it, and enjoy it, should you take it back and 
demand a refund?
     
ON HIGHER EDUCATION
College is a fountain of knowledge...and the students are there to 
drink.
     
ON MATHEMATICAL TRANSFORMS
A polar bear is a rectangular bear after a coordinate transform.
     
ON YOUTH
"Some people say that I must be a horrible person, but that's not true. 
I have the heart of a young boy -- in a jar on my desk." -- Stephen 
King, 3/8/90
     
ON PROBLEM SOLVING
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to resemble 
a nail.-- Abraham Maslow
     
ON MATERIALISM
He who dies with the most toys, is, nonetheless, still dead.
     
ON RELIGIOUS PRACTICES
Photons have mass?  I didn't know they were Catholic!
     
ON INFINITY
If you had everything, where would you keep it?
     
ON ECONOMICS
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
     
ON PUBLISHING OR PERISHING
I am returning this otherwise good typing paper to you because someone 
has printed gibberish all over it and put your name at the top. -- 
English Professor, Ohio University
     
ON REVISIONIST HISTORY
What was sliced bread the greatest thing since?
     
ON DATING
When aiming for the common denominator, be prepared for the occasional 
division by zero.
     
ON LAMENTATION
Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.
     
ON POETIC LOVE
When you're swimmin' in the creek
And an eel bites your cheek
That's a moray!
 -- Fabulous Furry Freak Brothers
     
ON MODERNISM
Q: How many surrealists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Two.  One to hold the giraffe and the other to fill the bathtub with 
brightly colored machine tools.
     
ON MATERIAL SCIENCE
Character density:  The number of very weird people in the office.
     
ON EXTINCTION
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
     
ON LITERATURE
This is not a novel to be tossed aside lightly. It should be thrown with 
great force.-- Dorothy Parker
     
ON HUMILITY
To err is human, to moo bovine.
     
ON PROPHECY
The meek shall inherit the earth---they are too weak to refuse.
     
ON EXCUSES
I can't complain, but sometimes I still do.-- Joe Walsh
     
ON NUMBERS
Grabel's Law: 2 is not equal to 3---not even for very large values of 2.
     
ON WORLD POLITICS
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.  --Will Rogers

     
ON DRUGS AND DEVELOPMENT
There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX. We 
don't believe this to be a coincidence.

Stupid Questions

Various groups have been singled out for jokes that exploit stereotypes, usually casting a group of people in the category of being stupid.  Dumb blonde jokes were preceded by "dumb Pollock" jokes (VERY politically incorrect, obviously).  When we were in Ohio, we heard "Polish jokes" told as hillbilly jokes about Kentuckians, then heard Pennsylvanians tell the same jokes about West Virginians.

Another genre of stereotyping jokes are lawyer jokes, which assume that attorneys are by nature devoid of morals.  (In fact, I have seen 'legal ethics' in a list of oxymorons.)

This piece of humor is a list of stupid questions asked by lawyers, purportedly taken from actual court transcripts.  There are a number of such lists on-line, including Legally Laughing, Not all who Wander are Lost, and Things People Said, for example.  The following are included on some of those lists.

Comedian Bill Engvall has made a career on suggesting that stupid people should be given a sign to wear that says, "I'm stupid."  So Engvall would say after each stupid question below, "Here's your sign!"  But I think the best comeback is a smart answer, such as the final one on this list.

AND THEN THE LAWYER SAID ...

1. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
2. The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
3. Were you present when your picture was taken?
4. Were you alone or by yourself?
5. Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
6. Did he kill you?
7. How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
8. You were there until the time you left, is that true?
9. How many times have you committed suicide?
10. Q:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?  A:  Yes  Q:  And what were you doing at the time?
11. Q:  She had three children, right?  A:  Yes  Q:  How many were boys?  A:  None  Q:  Were there any girls?
12. Q:  You say the stairs went down to the basement?  A:  Yes  Q:  And these stairs, did they go up also?
13. Q:  Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you  A:  I went to Europe, sir.  Q:  And you took your new wife?
14. Q:  How was your first marriage terminated?  A:  By death.  Q:  And by whose death was it terminated?
15. Q:  Can you describe the individual?  A:  He was about medium height and had a beard.  Q:  Was this a male or a female?
16. Q:  Is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?  A:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
17. Q:  Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?  A.  All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
18. Q:  All your responses must be oral, OK?  What school did you go to?  A. Oral
19. Q:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?  A:  The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.  Q:  And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?  A:  No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
20. Q:  You were shot in the fracas?  A:  No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
21. Q:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?  A:  I have been since my early childhood.
22. Q:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?  A:  No  Q:  Did you check for blood pressure?  A:  No  Q:  Did you check for breathing?  A:  No  Q:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy.  A:  No  Q:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?  A:  Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.  Q:  But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?  A:  It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

What was the name of that book?

In 1998, my brother Bob sent me the following.  I have not been able to find it on the internet, so I do not know its origins.

These are reportedly actual ways book store customers have asked for books ...

Waterford Chocolate (Like Water for Chocolate)

Satanic Nurses or Satin Verses (Satanic Verses by Salman Rushdie)

Moby Dick in comic book form

Salad at a Bad Restaurant (Ballad of the Sad Cafe by Carson McCullers)

The Le Mans method of childbirth (It creates a vivid mental image.)

Midnights in Havana or Moonlight in Savannah's Garden (Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil)

The Phallic Mosaic (Parsifal Mosaic)

Too Short to Live by Mickey Rooney (Life Is Too Short)

The Pelican's Briefs

Lez Miserableballs (Les Miserables)

Falcon and the Wand of God by Morrison (Falconer and the Eye of God by Morson)

Youth in Asia (The real request was for 'euthanasia'.)

Striving on Chorus (Thriving on Chaos)

Else Moon by William Prarie (Pririe Earth by William Least Heat Moon)

Lux Radio by Les Miserables (a recording of the Lux Radio Theater version of Les Miserables)

I Left My Heart at Broken Arm (Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee)

Knock Me Down by Yates (Knock 'Em Dead by Martin Yate)

Tequila Mockingbird (To Kill a Mockingbird)

Taco Bell Canon (Pachelbel's Canon)

Women Who Dance with Wolves (Women Who Run with the Wolves + Dances with Wolves ... ?)

"That book about all those dead cowboys by Dana Kubler Ross."  (Westerns by Dana Fuller Ross)

Diuretics (Dianetics by L. Ron Hubbard)

The Philistine Prophecy (The Celestine Prophecy)

Mice are Gay by Ekaterina Godeeva (My Sergei) -- at least it's phonetically correct

In honor of our new dog

After our beloved dog Charity was killed recently, we began a search for a new dog.  We prefer rescue dogs and went on-line and to shelters to see what the possibilities would be.  We ended up adopting a Jack Russell Terrier pup from an owner who needed to 're-home' her.

In that process, I became acquainted with the fact that many dogs are mixed breeds, some intentional, others not so.  And I learned the term 'boutique' or 'designer' breed for intentional mixes.  I had heard of cockapoos and labradoodles, but others were new to me -- like Mal-Shi or Pomchi.  It reminded me of a list I have in my humor file of "lesser known breeds."  It is unattributed, but I found the list online at Fun & Games (Everything Alabama).  Here 'tis:

New dog breeds

Bloodhound + Borzoi = Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun 

(NOTE: If you cross a Maltese with any other breed, it's a Maltese Cross) 

Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries 

Great Pyrenees + Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed 

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway 

Collie + Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Spitz + Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Pointer + Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Pekingese + Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog

Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle

Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists

Newfoundland + Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Terrier + Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes

Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Malamute + Pointer = Moot Point, owned by .... oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway

Collie + Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work

Deerhound + Terrior = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end

Bloodhound + Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

We're sticking with our Jack Russell.  We named her Gracie.