Stupid Questions

Various groups have been singled out for jokes that exploit stereotypes, usually casting a group of people in the category of being stupid.  Dumb blonde jokes were preceded by "dumb Pollock" jokes (VERY politically incorrect, obviously).  When we were in Ohio, we heard "Polish jokes" told as hillbilly jokes about Kentuckians, then heard Pennsylvanians tell the same jokes about West Virginians.

Another genre of stereotyping jokes are lawyer jokes, which assume that attorneys are by nature devoid of morals.  (In fact, I have seen 'legal ethics' in a list of oxymorons.)

This piece of humor is a list of stupid questions asked by lawyers, purportedly taken from actual court transcripts.  There are a number of such lists on-line, including Legally Laughing, Not all who Wander are Lost, and Things People Said, for example.  The following are included on some of those lists.

Comedian Bill Engvall has made a career on suggesting that stupid people should be given a sign to wear that says, "I'm stupid."  So Engvall would say after each stupid question below, "Here's your sign!"  But I think the best comeback is a smart answer, such as the final one on this list.

AND THEN THE LAWYER SAID ...

1. Now, doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
2. The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?
3. Were you present when your picture was taken?
4. Were you alone or by yourself?
5. Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?
6. Did he kill you?
7. How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?
8. You were there until the time you left, is that true?
9. How many times have you committed suicide?
10. Q:  So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?  A:  Yes  Q:  And what were you doing at the time?
11. Q:  She had three children, right?  A:  Yes  Q:  How many were boys?  A:  None  Q:  Were there any girls?
12. Q:  You say the stairs went down to the basement?  A:  Yes  Q:  And these stairs, did they go up also?
13. Q:  Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you  A:  I went to Europe, sir.  Q:  And you took your new wife?
14. Q:  How was your first marriage terminated?  A:  By death.  Q:  And by whose death was it terminated?
15. Q:  Can you describe the individual?  A:  He was about medium height and had a beard.  Q:  Was this a male or a female?
16. Q:  Is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?  A:  No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
17. Q:  Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?  A.  All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
18. Q:  All your responses must be oral, OK?  What school did you go to?  A. Oral
19. Q:  Do you recall the time that you examined the body?  A:  The autopsy started around 8:30 pm.  Q:  And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?  A:  No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.
20. Q:  You were shot in the fracas?  A:  No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel.
21. Q:  Are you qualified to give a urine sample?  A:  I have been since my early childhood.
22. Q:  Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?  A:  No  Q:  Did you check for blood pressure?  A:  No  Q:  Did you check for breathing?  A:  No  Q:  So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy.  A:  No  Q:  How can you be so sure, Doctor?  A:  Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.  Q:  But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?  A:  It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.