Things that it took me 50 years to learn

In 2002, I had a piece forwarded to me titled "Things that it took me 50 years to learn" by Dave Barry.  In my attempt to 'source' it, I discovered that snopes.com "fact-checked" whether it was indeed a Dave Barry column.  They wrote, "If we had to come up with a list of "e-mail truisms," one of the entries would probably something along the lines of: "No list of funny headlines, humorous quips, witty observations, or the like will survive more than five forwardings in its original state.""  Apparently, the original column had 25 items; the list I was sent had 19, 16 of which were on Dave Barry's original list.  There are several versions, even, of Barry's original list, which is in his book Dave Barry Turns 50.  Here's the list of 19 which I received:

>1. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping
> pill and a laxative on the same night.
>
> 2. If you had to identify, in one word, the reason
> why the human race has not achieved, and never will
> achieve, its full potential, that word would be
> "meetings."
>
> 3. There is a very fine line between "hobby" and
> "mental illness."
>
> 4. People who want to share their religious views with
> you almost never want you to share yours with them.
>
> 5. And when God, who created the entire universe
> with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to
> humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a
> person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
>
> 6. You should not confuse your career with your life.
>
> 7. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way
> to take it too seriously.
>
> 8. When trouble arises and things look bad, there is
> always one individual who perceives a solution and is
> willing to take command. Very often, that individual is
> crazy.
>
> 9. Nobody cares if you can't dance well. Just get up
> and dance.
>
> 10. Never lick a steak knife.
>
> 11. Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
>
> 12. The most destructive force in the universe is
> gossip.
>
> 13. You will never find anybody who can give you a
> clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight
> savings time.
>
> 14. You should never say anything to a woman that
> even remotely suggests that you think she's pregnant
> unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her
> at that moment.
>
> 15. There comes a time when you should stop
> expecting other people to make a big deal about your
> birthday. That time is age eleven.
>
> 16. The one thing that unites all human beings,
> regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or
> ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL
> believe that we are above average drivers.
>
> 17. The main accomplishment of almost all organized
> protests is to annoy people who are not in them.
>
> 18. A person who is nice to you, but rude to the
> waiter, is not a nice person. (This is very important.
> Pay attention. It never fails.)
>
> 19. Your friends love you anyway.