Medical definitions

In 1997, Major Fred Trask sent me an email with medical definitions, which he attributed to Wes Johnson.  Someone at the University of Texas posted it as "Aggie Medical Definitions" (love those college football rivalries!), with a few definitions added to the list I have.  Others have posted it as a "glossary of blonde medicine," "Ole's Norwegian Medical Dictionary," etc.  You get the idea.

artery                    the study of fine painting
bacteria                 back door of a cafeteria
barium                   what you do with a patient when CPR fails
bowel                    a, e, i, o or u
CAT scan              searching for kitty
cauterize                had eye contact with her
Cesarian section     a district in Rome
colic                       dog like Reveille
coma                      punctuation mark
congenital              friendly
D & C                    area around Washington
dilate                      to live a long time
enema                     a student at UT
fester                      quicker
fibula                      a small lie
genital                     not a Jew
G.I.                        series baseball games between teams of soldiers
hangnail                  coathook
impotent                  distinguished
labor pains              getting hurt at work
medical staff            a doctor's cane
minor operation       digging for coal
morbid                     a bigger offer
nitrates                     cheaper than day rates
node                        was aware of
organic                    musical
outpatient                 a person who has fainted
pap smear                a fatherhood test
pelvis                       a cousin to Elvis
post-operative          a letter carrier
protein                     in favor of young people
recovery room         a place to do upholstery
rectum                     dang near killed 'em
secretion                  hiding something
seizure                     a Roman emperor
serology                   study of English knighthoods
tablet                        a small table
terminal illness         getting sick at the airport
tumor                       an extra pair
urine                        it's your turn
varicose                   nearby
vein                          conceited

Hope you enjoyed it!

Questions that need to be answered

Brother Bob sent me an email in 1997 that asked a series of questions.  I have e found the original set of questions attributed to the late George Carlin on quotationspage.com as follows:

"If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted?"  

Then I discovered a more expansive listing on izquotes.com:

“If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed.”

―Virginia Ostman

Source/Notes:

As quoted in: "The new teacher's almanack: practical ideas for every day of the school year" (1980), by Dana Newmann, p. 306. Sometimes attributed to George Carlin.

Bob's full list -- 

If lawyers are disbarred and ministers are defrocked, then are
Cowboys deranged?
Song leaders disbanded?
Song writers decomposed?
Cobblers defeated?
Paralegals debriefed?
Dry cleaners depressed?
Soft drink bottlers depopulated?
Hitchhikers derided?
Twins despaired?
Pirates dispatched?
James Bond despised?
Students detested?
Railroad conductors detracted?
Plumbers dethroned?
Models deposed?
Orchard owners depicted?
Castle owners demoted?
Teachers declassified?
Organ donors delivered?
Electricians delighted?
Phobics defrayed?
Card sharks deduced?
Furnace installers deducted?
Manic depressives decried?
Fishermen debated?

All I know is that I am now unlisted.

Punderful stuff

Nearly twenty years ago, my brother Bob sent me an email titled "punderful stuff" listing 10 delightful puns.  While I have have heard puns described as the lowest form of humor, Bob's email included the following quote from James Alexander Thom (author of "Panther of the Sky") -- "The only ones who don't appreciate puns are those who aren't clever enough to come up with them."

Major David Cedervall is a Facebook friend of mine who is adept at puns and similar turns of phrase.   Today's posts include these thoughts:

• I thought I would share a cannibal joke, but then decided it would be in bad taste.
• A pun, when it reaches maturity, is fully groan.
• Saw John Deere coasters for sale Friday and thought about members of my wife's family who had worked at the John Deere factory by Waterloo, Iowa.  That company was proud of their products and stood behind every one of them ... except their manure spreaders.

While I found many instances of "linoleum blownapart" (including a web site by that name devoted to Napoleon stuff) on the internet, I could not find this precise listing that Bob sent in 1997.  So, typed for your reading pleasure --

1. What do you get when you toss a hand grenade into a kitchen in France?  Linoleum blownapart.
2. A city in Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs.  It became known as Dogless Fairbanks.
3. Which famous golfer loves to drink wine?  Litter Vino.  (Anyone old enough to remember Lee Trevino?)
4. A man goes to a dermatologist with a rare skin disease.  The doctor says, "Try a milk bath."  So the guy goes to the grocery store and tells the dairy manager he needs enough milk to take a bath.  The dairy guy asks, "You want that pasteurized?"  "Nah," the man replies, "Up to my chin should do it."
5. What's the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber?  One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman.
6. In ancient Rome, deli workers (Really, Bob?  A deli in ancient Rome?) were told that they could eat anything they wanted during the lunch hour.  Anything, that is, except the smoked salmon.  Thus were created the world's first anti-lox breaks.
7. Did you hear about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?  Both crews were marooned.
8. Why did the maharishi refuse novocaine when he had his tooth pulled?  He wanted to transcend dental medication.
9. Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a fast-food seafood restaurant?  One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk.
10. A scientist cloned himself but the experiment created a duplicate who used very foul language. As the clone cursed and swore, the scientist finally pushed it out the window, and it fell to its death.  Later the scientist was arrested for making an obscene clone fall.

Thou vain tickle-brained moldwarp

My brother Bob is working on a book that culls material from Shakespeare's writings for inspirational benefit.  Eighteen years ago, his attentions on Shakespeare were less noble; he sent me the "Shakespeare Insult Kit."

The entire "kit" can be found at Pangloss.com, where Chris Seidel writes, "Since 1996, the origin of this kit was listed as anonymous. It came to me on a piece of paper in the 90's with no attribution, and I thought it would make a cool web page. Though I searched for the origin, I could never find it. In 2014, Lara M informed found the originating author. It appears to be an English teacher at Center Grove High School in Greenwood Indiana named Jerry Maguire."

Seidel also created a web site that generates its own Shakespearian insults, with a button that reads "insult me again."  Here are a few of my favorites (although I would not dream of actually using them in real life, it's fun to think about using them):

• [Thou art] a disease that must be cut away. (from Coriolanus)
• [Thy] face is not worth sunburning. (from Henry V)
• Thou villainous fat-kidneyed nut-hook! (from insult kit)
• Thou loggerheaded dread-bolted skainsmate! (from insult kit)
• Sell your face for five pence and 'tis dear. (from King John)

Surprise endings

My family love to engage in humor around words and language.  The other day, I posted a photo of the pond behind our house with a pack of ducks swimming in the warm sunlight.  I said it was a 'ducky' day.  That observation unleashed a flurry of punny comments from family and friends.

My brother Bob and daughter Elissa both shared a piece complaining about the (inappropriate) use of apostrophes when pluralizing surnames.  The article was accompanied by a photo of a card that read "Its Christmas!" -- which, of course, should have read "It's Christmas!"

So, here's a piece shared with me five years ago by Major Charles Deitrick.  It can be found on the web at Englishforums.com.

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or re-interpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.

1. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
3. I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
4. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
5. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
6. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
7. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
8. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
9. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
10. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
11. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
12. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
13. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
15. Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
16. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
17. I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
18. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
19. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
20. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
21. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
22. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
23. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
24. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
25. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
26. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
27. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
28. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
29. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
31. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
32. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
33. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
34. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
35. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
36. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
37. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

The piece Charlie sent me had some additional offerings:

• The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

• I thought I wanted a career.  It turns out I just wanted pay checks.

• A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

• Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify ...' I put "DOCTOR!"

• I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

• There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

Politically correct team names

For years the Washington DC NFL team has dealt with controversy over the team's name.  Earlier this week, California barred the use of that name at any public school.

This is not a new issue.  On 9/29/1997, I received the list of the top 15 politically correct team names.  Since some of the names have changed, I've put the real team name in parentheses following the PC version.  My printed version indicates a copyright by Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc. but I found the same list same date without attribution at HumorLabs.com

15. Los Angeles Conscientious Objectors (Dodgers)
14. Oakland Venture Capitalist Free Market Entrepreneurial Speculators (Raiders)
13. Green Bay Efficient Utilizers of All Available Free Space (Packers)
12. Purdue Boilermakers Local 151 – DNC contributors since 1948 (Boilermakers)
11. Chicago Just-Pass-the-Ball-to-Jordans (Bulls)
10. Tennessee Fat-Cat Earth Rapist Billionaires Who Contribute To Global Warming Through Their Irresponsible Use of Fossil Fuels (Oilers -- now Titans)
9. Washington Overzealous Sunbathers (Redskins)
8. Notre Dame Violent Offenders of Gaelic Descent (Fighting Irish)
7. USC Prophylactic Aids to Prevent the Spread of Sexual Disease (Trojans)
6. San Jose Attorneys (Sharks)
5. San Francisco They-Wouldn’t-Let-Us-Add-20-To-Our-Namers (49ers)
4. Chicago Melanin-Challenged Footwear (White Sox)
3. Dallas We’d-Like-to-Still-be-America’s-Team, But-Now-We’re-Just-a-Bunch-of Drug-Users-and-Sex-Offenders (Cowboys -- news of the day regarding misbehavior)
2. Nebraska No-Means-No’s (Cornhuskers -- news of the day regarding misbehavior)

And the Number 1 Politically Correct Sports Team Name…

1. Montreal Pants-Deficient Rain Coat Wearers (Expos -- now Washington Nationals)

Undulate over the turf!

It's been a two-week hiatus, due to travel and other interruptions in whatever routine we had managed to establish.

The top of my humor stack has stuff related to the use of the English language.  Since I am inclined to be somewhat garrulous (prolix, loquacious, verbose or wordy, if you prefer), I thought I would post a piece called "Mangled Maxims" that takes common adages and dresses them up with pedantic phrasing.

I am reminded during the football season of the 'nerdiness' of my high school band.  We preferred our own cheers for the football team over those encouraged by the cheerleaders:

"Hinder the path of the projectile!"  Not only did this substitute for the pedestrian "Block that kick!" but it could also be used for opponents' passing plays.

"Progress!  Progress!  Undulate over the turf!"  was an all-purpose cheer when we were on offense.

(Unfortunately, those are the only two I can recall.)

In that spirit, here are the "Mangled Maxims" -- (with credit to Toronto in Focus)

1. Splintered wood and mineral chunks can rupture my skeletal system, but nomenclatures do not impair me.

2. Swab your dentures tri-daily.

3. A needleand thread mark in hours passed hoards eight plus one.

4. Do not traverse the gantry until you approach it.

5. Offspring should be endowed with visibility but not oral facilities.

6. Hemogloblin is more viscous in consistency than H2O.

7. Pulchritude pertains solely to the epidermis.

8. If primary failure is imminent, new attempts should be made repetitiously.

9. The most prompt feathered biped seizes the annelid.

10. Perambulate in moccasins and shoulder a gargantuan wooden rail.

11. Focus your optical apparatus on the spheroid.

12. A maximum of toil and a minimum of disport and dalliance causes Jack to become a dim-witted, stagnant dunce of the young male species.

13. That which is acquired without difficulty is dispersed with equal facility.

14. A red fruit of the Malus genus absorbed into the digestive system every 1440 minutes keeps a medical practitioner from entering the ridge pole of home sweet home.

15. Individuals continuing daily functions surrounded by fused sand structures should be forbidden to hurl missiles.

16. Refrain from enumeratingyour poultry prior to their emergence from calcified enclosures.

17. A moving and twirling rock picks up no green matter.

18. Departure causes the blood pumping organ to become more lovable and liked.

19.Distant meadows are inevitably more verdant.

20. Dissipate not needlessly, and impoverishment will not be your destiny.

21. Do not shed tears over white liquid that has become earthbound.

22. Everything is justified in intense liking and in combat or battle.

23. It is not possible to both retain your angel food of devil's food and consume it.

24. Grab and obtain it, or set it down and release it.

25. View with your optical organs prior to jumping with great steps.

26. A pan under constant scrutiny will never reach 212 degrees F.