Received from my brother Larry in 2002:
Subject: Sermon fodder
A young minister sitting down to dinner was about to say Grace when he opened the casserole dish that his thrifty bride had prepared from all of the refrigerator leftovers. "I don't know," he said dubiously, "but it seems to me that I've blessed all this stuff before."
"As God said in the Bible, and I think rightly…" – Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher
"I want to die before my wife. The reason is: If it is true that when you die, your soul goes up to judgment, I don't want my wife up there ahead of me to tell them things." -- Bill Cosby [this quote obviously has an ironic sub-text in light of what we have learned since 2002]
The Sunday School teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces and laid it upon the altar. And then Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times. "Now," said the teach, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?" A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know, I know," she said. "To make the gravy!"
Wednesday, June 29, 2016
How a third-grader explains God
My son Philip sent this to me in 2002. I found it (revised a wee bit) on the Fruitland Baptist Church web site.
{Accredited to an 8-year-old named Danny
Dutton, of Chula Vista, CA-a third grade
homework assignment.}
“One of God’s main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn’t make grownups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way he doesn’t have to take up his valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.
“God’s second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime. God doesn’t have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your Mom and Dad's head asking for something they said you shouldn't have.
"Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church.
“Jesus is God’s Son. He used to do all the hard work, like walking on water and performing miracles and
“One of God’s main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth. He doesn’t make grownups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way he doesn’t have to take up his valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers.
“God’s second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times besides bedtime. God doesn’t have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting His time by going over your Mom and Dad's head asking for something they said you shouldn't have.
"Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church.
“Jesus is God’s Son. He used to do all the hard work, like walking on water and performing miracles and
people finally got tired of Him preaching
to them and they crucified Him. But He was
good and kind, like His Father, and He told
His Father that they didn't know what they
were doing to forgive them and God said 'O.K.' His dad (God) appreciated
everything that He had done and all His
hard work on earth so He told Him He
didn’t have to go out on the road
anymore. He could stay in heaven. So
He did. And now He helps His dad out
by listening to prayers and seeing things
which are important for God to take care
of and which ones He can take care of
Himself without having to bother God.
Like a secretary, only more important. You can pray any time you want and they are sure to help you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time.
“You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there’s anybody you want to make happy, it’s God! Don’t skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong. And besides the sun doesn’t come out at the beach until noon anyway.
“You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there’s anybody you want to make happy, it’s God! Don’t skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong. And besides the sun doesn’t come out at the beach until noon anyway.
“If you don’t believe in God,
besides being an atheist, you will be very
lonely, because your parents can’t go
everywhere with you, like to camp, but
God can. It is good to know He’s around
you when you’re scared, in the dark or
when you can’t swim and you get thrown
into real deep water by big kids.
“But.. . . you shouldn’t just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases.
“And . . . that’s why I believe in God.”
“But.. . . you shouldn’t just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and He can take me back anytime He pleases.
“And . . . that’s why I believe in God.”
If Paul Had PowerPoint
I have heard Gordon MacDonald several times. He is a powerful communicator and is exceptionally facile with technology. So if he has these thoughts, I am encouraged when my own forays into conference/retreat presentations create uncomfortable moments. This was published in Leadership Journal in 2003
If Paul Had PowerPoint
Without Windows NT, is it a wonder the gospel ever escaped Jerusalem?
October 8, 2003
When my imagination gets out of control, I think about what it must have been like in the days when the Apostles (Peter and Paul, for example) were preaching. Sometimes, I wonder if they would have had patience with our ways in today's world. For example, a considerable amount of my time is spent speaking at pastors conferences and other similar events. I feel complimented when I am asked to participate. I have never quite gotten over the notion that people are willing to invite me to their church or their conference and give me a chance to open my heart. Accepting the invitation is relatively easy. It's what often comes afterwards that gets complicated. That's where I get to thinking about Peter and Paul. Imagine letters going out to them that sound like this:
To: Peter, c/o Jerusalemchurch.org
We are looking forward to your preaching in the Temple square on Pentecost day 9 months from tomorrow. Since we are about to send out our first wave of publicity, we would like to ask your assistance. We need a topic and a brief outline (100 words or less) of your remarks. Three months from now, we will ask you to submit your Scripture references and any quotes, plus a complete outline so that our graphics department can provide a handout for the several thousand we anticipate attending. Additionally, we will need you to sign the enclosed tape/video release form that will give our production department the right to sell "product" during the conference. If you have any books you'd like to recommend, we will be happy to order these and sell them in our bookstore.
We are looking forward to your preaching in the Temple square on Pentecost day 9 months from tomorrow. Since we are about to send out our first wave of publicity, we would like to ask your assistance. We need a topic and a brief outline (100 words or less) of your remarks. Three months from now, we will ask you to submit your Scripture references and any quotes, plus a complete outline so that our graphics department can provide a handout for the several thousand we anticipate attending. Additionally, we will need you to sign the enclosed tape/video release form that will give our production department the right to sell "product" during the conference. If you have any books you'd like to recommend, we will be happy to order these and sell them in our bookstore.
To: Paul, c/o Antiochchurch.org
The Mars Hill Society has been sponsoring guest lectures for many years, and we are looking forward to your participation next year. We will be sending a contract for your signature. Please return with your Social Security number. In preparation for that time, we would appreciate a biographical kit that includes information about your life and work. Three 5x7 press photos, one in color if possible, would also be appreciated. Please include your academic credentials and titles of anything you have written.
The Mars Hill Society has been sponsoring guest lectures for many years, and we are looking forward to your participation next year. We will be sending a contract for your signature. Please return with your Social Security number. In preparation for that time, we would appreciate a biographical kit that includes information about your life and work. Three 5x7 press photos, one in color if possible, would also be appreciated. Please include your academic credentials and titles of anything you have written.
Our A/V people will want to know if you prefer a lapel or hand-held mike. Do you have any personal needs for water or food? Your hotel accommodations will be underwritten for the night before and after the speech. You will be given a per diem reimbursement for all meals on the day of the speech. Phone calls, in-room movies, and any other items will be at your own expense. Could you please send us your required fee for appearing?
Then the day comes:
Peter (his first words at Pentecost): "Hello, hello…am I on? Am I on? Testing, check, check, check…"
Peter (his first words at Pentecost): "Hello, hello…am I on? Am I on? Testing, check, check, check…"
Paul (his first words at Mars Hill): "I'm thrilled to be here today so that—You can't hear in the back row? HOW'S THIS? CAN YOU HEAR ME NOW? I was going use PowerPoint in this presentation, but the computer…"
(With apologies to all of those who invite me to speak and whose job it is to send me e-mails not dissimilar to these. I was just having fun.)
Moses, God and Computers
My wife, who is more tech savvy than I, got a call from a friend the other day to help solve a problem with email. It put me in mind of this imaginary conversation between God and Moses. It's been around since 2002, when my Aunt Dolly sent it to me. It can currently be found at eBaum's World
"Excuse me, Lord."
"Is that you again, Moses?"
"I am afraid it is, Lord."
"What is it this time, Moses; more computer problems?"
"How did you guess?"
"I do not have to guess, Moses. Remember?"
"Oh, yes; I forgot."
"Tell me what you want, Moses."
"But you already know; remember?"
"Moses!"
"Sorry, Lord."
"Well, go ahead, Moses; say it."
"Well, I have a question, Lord. You know those 'ten things' you sent me?"
"You mean the Ten Commandments, Moses?"
" Yes. I was wondering if they were important."
"What do you mean 'important,' Moses? Of course, they are important. Otherwise, I would not have sent them to you."
"Well sorry, Lord, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them; but, of course, you would see right through that."
"What do you mean 'you lost them'? Are you trying to tell me you did
not save them, Moses?"
"No, Lord; I forgot."
"You should always save, Moses."
"Yes, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot. I did send them to some people before I lost them though."
"And did you hear back from any of those people?"
"You already know I did. What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'? Is it all right if he changes the words a little bit?"
"Yes, Moses, as long as he does not change the meaning."
"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and recommended calling them the 'Ten Suggestions' or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"
"Moses, I will pretend I did not hear that."
"I think that means 'no'. Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?"
"I think the term is 'spamming,' Moses."
"Oh, yes. I emailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."
"And what did he say?"
"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those er plagues, and that's the reason I lost those "ten things", do you?"
"They are called 'viruses,' Moses."
"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but at least I never lost them."
"We will do it the new way, Moses."
"I was afraid you would say that, Lord."
"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"
"You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer."
"It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"
"No, I decided to call technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours. By the way, Lord, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"
"No, Moses."
"One other thing. Why did you not name them 'frogs' instead of 'mice', because did you not tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"
"I did not name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to."
"Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, Lord? I bet some woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, was it not a woman who named one of the computers Apple?"
"Say good night, Moses."
"Wait a minute, Lord. I am stretching out the mouse, and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the 'ten things' have come back."
"Which ones are they, Moses?"
"Let me see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and 'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'"
"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone tablets."
"Excuse me, Lord."
"Is that you again, Moses?"
"I am afraid it is, Lord."
"What is it this time, Moses; more computer problems?"
"How did you guess?"
"I do not have to guess, Moses. Remember?"
"Oh, yes; I forgot."
"Tell me what you want, Moses."
"But you already know; remember?"
"Moses!"
"Sorry, Lord."
"Well, go ahead, Moses; say it."
"Well, I have a question, Lord. You know those 'ten things' you sent me?"
"You mean the Ten Commandments, Moses?"
" Yes. I was wondering if they were important."
"What do you mean 'important,' Moses? Of course, they are important. Otherwise, I would not have sent them to you."
"Well sorry, Lord, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them; but, of course, you would see right through that."
"What do you mean 'you lost them'? Are you trying to tell me you did
not save them, Moses?"
"No, Lord; I forgot."
"You should always save, Moses."
"Yes, I know. You told me that before. I was going to, but I forgot. I did send them to some people before I lost them though."
"And did you hear back from any of those people?"
"You already know I did. What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'? Is it all right if he changes the words a little bit?"
"Yes, Moses, as long as he does not change the meaning."
"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and recommended calling them the 'Ten Suggestions' or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"
"Moses, I will pretend I did not hear that."
"I think that means 'no'. Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?"
"I think the term is 'spamming,' Moses."
"Oh, yes. I emailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."
"And what did he say?"
"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those er plagues, and that's the reason I lost those "ten things", do you?"
"They are called 'viruses,' Moses."
"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but at least I never lost them."
"We will do it the new way, Moses."
"I was afraid you would say that, Lord."
"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"
"You told me to hold up this rat and stretch it out toward the computer."
"It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"
"No, I decided to call technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you, and I really like your hours. By the way, Lord, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"
"No, Moses."
"One other thing. Why did you not name them 'frogs' instead of 'mice', because did you not tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"
"I did not name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to."
"Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, Lord? I bet some woman told him to call it a mouse. After all, was it not a woman who named one of the computers Apple?"
"Say good night, Moses."
"Wait a minute, Lord. I am stretching out the mouse, and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the 'ten things' have come back."
"Which ones are they, Moses?"
"Let me see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and 'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'"
"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone tablets."
Wednesday, June 22, 2016
Is Someone at work out to get you?
Originally sent to me in 1998 under the title The Top Ten Signs Someone at Work is Out to Get You (with a copyright credit to Chris White and Ziff Davis, Inc.), I found the list on-line as Top 16 Signs Someone at Work is Out to Get You. (Three of the entries were too offensive for me to include, so I acted like the Justice Department and redacted them.)
16. The Human Resources rep keeps advising you to apply for extra dismemberment insurance.
15. The guy from shipping says they have to store some toxic waste in your office for "just a couple days." Your company, however, makes doilies.
14. Someone's been signing you up for the office blood drive. Daily.
13. Everyone else gets e-mail. You get "note-wrapped-around-a-brick-speeding-at-your-head-mail."
12. [redacted]
11. New job position posted: "Vice-President of My Butt" Only applicant: You
10. Co-workers point and whisper that you're the one who ate the "Bagel O' Death."
9. Somebody went to the trouble of making a little Hitler mustache and swastika armband for your Dilbert doll.
8. You're honored to be in the "South Park" skit at the office party, but why does everyone insist you play "Kenny"?
7. [redacted]
6. The pushy new Pastry Cart man looks an awful lot like that Kevorkian guy.
5. Your position's symbol on the organizational chart now shows up as a hanging stick figure.
4. During your diversity training, someone announces on the intercom that "the cleaners are here with your Grand Wizard outfit."
3. Your name is spelled out in urinal cakes in the men's room trough.
2. Oh, come on -- it's not like your new Windows 98 operating system just keeps crashing by itself!
1. [redacted]
Tuesday, June 21, 2016
Metaphors'R'Us
Everyday conversation is often laced with expressions that are metaphorical in nature. Sometimes we are aware of the origin of the expression, but often we are not.
Here is "an old attempt at humor of mine" from Jim Hepburn, 18 years older now, of course.
RE: Report on Nautical Terms
I have attempted to continue my research into the above subject. To this end, I strove to interview a fellow employee (who shall remain unnamed). Unfortunately, he had returned from "lunch" three sheets to the wind and summarily keeled over.
Having realized that I had missed the boat with this interview, I decided to try a different tack. I placed a notice on the bulletin board asking for responses. I was surprised shortly after by a visitor to my office. He was obviously under the weather, his zipper was at half mast, and I'm not sure he had both oars in the water if you catch my drift.
As you can imagine, this episode had knocked the wind out of my sails. I was now totally dead in the water – in the doldrums, so to speak. Maybe I had gone overboard in my search? In desperation, I used self-hypnosis, projecting myself mentally into being the skipper of a sailing vessel.
Bingo! This change of course was just what the doctor order (how about medical terms)? I now feel this research project to be on an even keel – no more need to batten down the hatches. I am sure I will encounter only smooth sailing and that the report will be shipshape in no time at all. At last my ship has come in.
Jim Hepburn
Here is "an old attempt at humor of mine" from Jim Hepburn, 18 years older now, of course.
RE: Report on Nautical Terms
I have attempted to continue my research into the above subject. To this end, I strove to interview a fellow employee (who shall remain unnamed). Unfortunately, he had returned from "lunch" three sheets to the wind and summarily keeled over.
Having realized that I had missed the boat with this interview, I decided to try a different tack. I placed a notice on the bulletin board asking for responses. I was surprised shortly after by a visitor to my office. He was obviously under the weather, his zipper was at half mast, and I'm not sure he had both oars in the water if you catch my drift.
As you can imagine, this episode had knocked the wind out of my sails. I was now totally dead in the water – in the doldrums, so to speak. Maybe I had gone overboard in my search? In desperation, I used self-hypnosis, projecting myself mentally into being the skipper of a sailing vessel.
Bingo! This change of course was just what the doctor order (how about medical terms)? I now feel this research project to be on an even keel – no more need to batten down the hatches. I am sure I will encounter only smooth sailing and that the report will be shipshape in no time at all. At last my ship has come in.
Jim Hepburn
Monday, June 20, 2016
Preparing your resume
It has been nearly a half century since we sent our Preliminary Application for Officership. So considering "normal" employment after more than four decades of Salvation Army officership raises the question of preparing a resume.
There's lots of help offered on the internet. There are also some examples of mistakes to avoid. Here are some real-life examples of mistakes made on resumes (by the way, I can add from recent experience with this blog that spell check and auto-correct are not always an antidote to these kinds of mistakes):
"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
"I am a rabid typist."
"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."
"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."
"Proven ability to track down and correct erors."
"Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."
"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."
"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."
"Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteroology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate--especially when the task is unpleasant."
"I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to resond to my resume on my office voicemanil."
"Qualifications: No education or experience."
"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
"Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
"Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"
There's lots of help offered on the internet. There are also some examples of mistakes to avoid. Here are some real-life examples of mistakes made on resumes (by the way, I can add from recent experience with this blog that spell check and auto-correct are not always an antidote to these kinds of mistakes):
"My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable."
"Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting."
"Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
"Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet."
"I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
"I am a rabid typist."
"Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side."
"Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business."
"Proven ability to track down and correct erors."
"Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far."
"I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one."
"References: None, I've left a path of destruction behind me."
"Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer."
"Don't take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers."
"My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteroology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
"I procrastinate--especially when the task is unpleasant."
"I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to resond to my resume on my office voicemanil."
"Qualifications: No education or experience."
"Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets."
"Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department."
"Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!"
Cover letter: "Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!"
Sunday, June 19, 2016
Loving, laughing family -- Part II
During a recent visit with our daughter and son-in-law, Elissa made a crack that struck Sean as being a bit disrespectful toward me. She responded with something to the effect that she was simply pointing fondly to one of my personality traits (quirks, if you prefer), and added something like "that's how we show our love in this family."
Our children have inherited a trait that characterizes my relationship with my two brothers: teasing in love. Honestly, I think their kids treat them just as badly as my kids treat me.
On the occasion of my 60th birthday (7 years ago!), my wife assembled our children for a very special celebration. My brothers could not attend, but they sent words of 'congratulations' by letter.
Here's the letter from Brother Larry:
Dear Don,
I'm writing this in a larger font to make it easier to read now that you have reached superannuation. Congratulations, even though your accomplishment pales in comparison to most biblical figures, I suppose any excuse to celebrate shouldn't be missed. (After all, you've distinguished yourself as quite the "party animal." Zzzzzzzz.)
I am sorry that I cannot be there in person to observe your senescence, because my relative youth would appear to make me spry next to your decrepitude. And Bob would be a veritable pipsqueak (you've got to start learning these words, now – it's one of the rules in the "now you're old" book.)
Who would have thought, as you rode around me on your bike, while I played in the backyard sandbox in Cheboygan that this day would arrive? Or that we would both survive this long after the dangerous games of "crack-the-whip" in Ann Arbor, or your misguided birthday gift to me of football pads and helmet (that resulted in your broken arm) in Silverton? Oh, you were always the dangerous, envelope-pushing sort, weren't you? Remember engaging in the dangerous art of "discussion" with dad while living in Newport (about the difference between perspicuity and perspicacity)? You almost came to blows, and by blows I mean having to stop and catch your breath. Ah, the good times of mirth and adventure! I know you're continuing that daring lifestyle, although you may not realize it – short-term memory loss and all. I know you're continuing that daring lifestyle, although you may not realize it – short-term memory loss and all.
It is said "the good die young." You are a wonderful exemplification of this maxim. Perhaps that's been your plan all along. Nary a hospitalization to announce your goodness. Very few broken bones. Probably building up quite a stash of sick days, even.
So, enjoy this family gathering and honor! The first of our generation to reach 60. (Not that such an honor is notable: you were the first of our generation to reach any age. Funny how that works.)
Take heart (and watch the same) in the medical advances that make much more likely the outcome that you will live not only beyond any semblance of usefulness (not that you have much use now) but also beyond any semblance of awareness of your surroundings.
If I could provide you with a tangible gift on this occasion (but I'm too cheap to send it) it would be one of Noah's used bibs – you'll need it as you start to lose muscle control and begin to drool.
Given our familial history, I need to leave something to say on your 70th, 80th, and 90th birthdays, which also makes this even less noteworthy. (Why ARE we celebrating something so common as 60 years of age? Rock stars and sex symbols are now commonly in their 60s. What do you have to compare!?) So with this simple wish, I'll leave you to enjoy what remains of the party before you drift off to sleep for one of your increasingly common naps. (I know, just resting your eyes.)
Happy Birthday. Don't overdo the Maalox cocktail!
With what passes for love in this family,
Larry, your younger brother (in case you forgot, although you may not realize it – short-term memory loss and all.)
Our children have inherited a trait that characterizes my relationship with my two brothers: teasing in love. Honestly, I think their kids treat them just as badly as my kids treat me.
On the occasion of my 60th birthday (7 years ago!), my wife assembled our children for a very special celebration. My brothers could not attend, but they sent words of 'congratulations' by letter.
Here's the letter from Brother Larry:
Dear Don,
I'm writing this in a larger font to make it easier to read now that you have reached superannuation. Congratulations, even though your accomplishment pales in comparison to most biblical figures, I suppose any excuse to celebrate shouldn't be missed. (After all, you've distinguished yourself as quite the "party animal." Zzzzzzzz.)
I am sorry that I cannot be there in person to observe your senescence, because my relative youth would appear to make me spry next to your decrepitude. And Bob would be a veritable pipsqueak (you've got to start learning these words, now – it's one of the rules in the "now you're old" book.)
Who would have thought, as you rode around me on your bike, while I played in the backyard sandbox in Cheboygan that this day would arrive? Or that we would both survive this long after the dangerous games of "crack-the-whip" in Ann Arbor, or your misguided birthday gift to me of football pads and helmet (that resulted in your broken arm) in Silverton? Oh, you were always the dangerous, envelope-pushing sort, weren't you? Remember engaging in the dangerous art of "discussion" with dad while living in Newport (about the difference between perspicuity and perspicacity)? You almost came to blows, and by blows I mean having to stop and catch your breath. Ah, the good times of mirth and adventure! I know you're continuing that daring lifestyle, although you may not realize it – short-term memory loss and all. I know you're continuing that daring lifestyle, although you may not realize it – short-term memory loss and all.
It is said "the good die young." You are a wonderful exemplification of this maxim. Perhaps that's been your plan all along. Nary a hospitalization to announce your goodness. Very few broken bones. Probably building up quite a stash of sick days, even.
So, enjoy this family gathering and honor! The first of our generation to reach 60. (Not that such an honor is notable: you were the first of our generation to reach any age. Funny how that works.)
Take heart (and watch the same) in the medical advances that make much more likely the outcome that you will live not only beyond any semblance of usefulness (not that you have much use now) but also beyond any semblance of awareness of your surroundings.
If I could provide you with a tangible gift on this occasion (but I'm too cheap to send it) it would be one of Noah's used bibs – you'll need it as you start to lose muscle control and begin to drool.
Given our familial history, I need to leave something to say on your 70th, 80th, and 90th birthdays, which also makes this even less noteworthy. (Why ARE we celebrating something so common as 60 years of age? Rock stars and sex symbols are now commonly in their 60s. What do you have to compare!?) So with this simple wish, I'll leave you to enjoy what remains of the party before you drift off to sleep for one of your increasingly common naps. (I know, just resting your eyes.)
Happy Birthday. Don't overdo the Maalox cocktail!
With what passes for love in this family,
Larry, your younger brother (in case you forgot, although you may not realize it – short-term memory loss and all.)
Saturday, June 18, 2016
Loving, laughing family - Part I
During a recent visit with our daughter and son-in-law, Elissa made a crack that struck Sean as being a bit disrespectful toward me. She responded with something to the effect that she was simply pointing fondly to one of my personality traits (quirks, if you prefer), and added something like "that's how we show our love in this family."
Our children have inherited a trait that characterizes my relationship with my two brothers: teasing in love. Honestly, I think their kids treat them just as badly as my kids treat me.
On the occasion of my 60th birthday (7 years ago!), my wife assembled our children for a very special celebration. My brothers could not attend, but they sent words of 'congratulations' by letter.
Here's the letter from Brother Bob:
Dear Don,
I can't believe in just a few days, I'm gonna have a brother who is sixty years old. I know your birthday isn't supposed to be all about me, but it is. I mean, I'm too young to have a 60-year-old for a brother. Not that you were ever young. What teenager, for crying out loud, sets his clock radio to "Your morning Mayor, Jim O'Neil," on WLW-AM? WLW? Seriously? In those days? And how well I remember hearing you climb the stairs after I'd gone to bed; I could always hear you coming because your ankles would pop like a bowl of Rice Krispies. At least you had a Volkswagen Beetle; that was sorta cool. And you did wear the same style of glasses as Buddy Holly. Which was less cool in 1969 than in 1959, when he died, but whatever.
So you're old enough now to remember when the Dead Sea was only sick. You're old enough now that when your wife says "Let's go upstairs and make love ," you say, "Honey, you know I can't do both." You're old enough that a rocking chair is a little too much of a thrill ride for you. You're old enough that every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell. You're old enough that adult diapers aren't necessary… just convenient. You're old enough that it takes a couple tries to get over a speed bump. You're old enough that you have to catch your breath after walking DOWN a flight of stairs. You're old enough that you've learned never to take a sleeping pill and laxative at the same time.
Happy birthday, anyway. I'm glad you're my brother. And I am grateful that I'll always be younger than you. Considerably younger. That's small consolation, though, when your kids won't stop harping on the ways they say I'm just like you. That's crap.
With a mere fifty years worth of love, from me to you,
Bob
Our children have inherited a trait that characterizes my relationship with my two brothers: teasing in love. Honestly, I think their kids treat them just as badly as my kids treat me.
On the occasion of my 60th birthday (7 years ago!), my wife assembled our children for a very special celebration. My brothers could not attend, but they sent words of 'congratulations' by letter.
Here's the letter from Brother Bob:
Dear Don,
I can't believe in just a few days, I'm gonna have a brother who is sixty years old. I know your birthday isn't supposed to be all about me, but it is. I mean, I'm too young to have a 60-year-old for a brother. Not that you were ever young. What teenager, for crying out loud, sets his clock radio to "Your morning Mayor, Jim O'Neil," on WLW-AM? WLW? Seriously? In those days? And how well I remember hearing you climb the stairs after I'd gone to bed; I could always hear you coming because your ankles would pop like a bowl of Rice Krispies. At least you had a Volkswagen Beetle; that was sorta cool. And you did wear the same style of glasses as Buddy Holly. Which was less cool in 1969 than in 1959, when he died, but whatever.
So you're old enough now to remember when the Dead Sea was only sick. You're old enough now that when your wife says "Let's go upstairs and make love ," you say, "Honey, you know I can't do both." You're old enough that a rocking chair is a little too much of a thrill ride for you. You're old enough that every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell. You're old enough that adult diapers aren't necessary… just convenient. You're old enough that it takes a couple tries to get over a speed bump. You're old enough that you have to catch your breath after walking DOWN a flight of stairs. You're old enough that you've learned never to take a sleeping pill and laxative at the same time.
Happy birthday, anyway. I'm glad you're my brother. And I am grateful that I'll always be younger than you. Considerably younger. That's small consolation, though, when your kids won't stop harping on the ways they say I'm just like you. That's crap.
With a mere fifty years worth of love, from me to you,
Bob
Monday, June 13, 2016
Letter of Reference
Have you ever been asked to write a letter of reference for someone whom you were not too enthusiastic about? Or, worse, have you been put 'on the spot' to comment about someone who was listening to the conversation.
As Rod Serling might say, "Consider the following":
THE BOSS ASKED FOR A LETTER DESCRIBING BOB BURT
Bob Burt, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classified as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Sd/-
Project Leader
A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER
That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines (1, 3, 5 ...) for my true assessment of him.
As Rod Serling might say, "Consider the following":
THE BOSS ASKED FOR A LETTER DESCRIBING BOB BURT
Bob Burt, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Bob works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Bob never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Bob takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Bob is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Bob can be
classified as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Bob be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
executed as soon as possible.
Sd/-
Project Leader
A MEMO WAS SOON SENT FOLLOWING THE LETTER
That idiot was reading over my shoulder while I wrote the report sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd numbered lines (1, 3, 5 ...) for my true assessment of him.
Friday, June 10, 2016
Beating a dead horse
This piece came to me from Major James Sloan. It describes common business strategies for avoiding reality.
Dakota tribal wisdom says that when you discover you’re riding a dead horse, the best strategy is to dismount. However in business we often try other strategies with dead horses, including the following:
Buy a stronger whip.
Change riders. Threaten the horse with termination. Say things like, “This is the way we have always ridden this horse.” Appoint a committee to study the horse. Arrange to visit other countries to see how other cultures ride dead horses. Lower the standards so that dead horses can be included. Appoint a tiger team to revive the dead horse. Ride the dead horse “outside the box.” Buy a commercial off-the-shelf dead horse. Create a training session to increase our riding ability. Reclassify the dead horse as “living-impaired.” Compare the state of dead horses in today’s environment. Change the autopsy report to declare that “This horse is not dead.” Kill all the other horses, so this one will look the same. Name the dead horse “Paradigm Shift” and keep riding it. Ride the dead horse “smarter” not harder. Hire outside contractors to ride the dead horse. Harness several dead horses together for increased speed. Do a time management study to see if the lighter riders would improve productivity. Declare that “No horse is too dead to beat.”
Call the dead horse a “joint venture” and let others ride it.
Provide additional funding to increase the horse’s performance. Do a cost analysis study to see if contractors can ride it cheaper. Purchase an aftermarket product to make dead horses run faster. Declare the horse is “better, faster, and cheaper” dead. Form a quality circle to find uses for dead horses. Declare that “This horse was procured with cost as an independent variable.” Get the horse a Web site. Promote the horse to a supervisory position. Declaring that as the dead horse does not have to be fed, it is less costly, carries lower overhead and therefore contributes substantially more to the bottom line of the economy than do some other horses. Rewriting the expected performance requirements for all horses. Declare that at this point, what difference does it make? In this election season, I am hearing a lot of these ideas. From now on, I'll just refer to them as "dead horse theories." |
Thursday, June 9, 2016
Ode to a Committee
A common organizational hazard is assignment to a committee. Committees are notorious for having difficulty arriving at productive conclusions. "A camel is a horse designed by a committee" is the maxim coined by Vogue magazine in 1958.
So I share this ode, titled simply "The Committee":
O give me your pity, I'm on a committee
Which means that from morning to night,
We attend and amend, and contend and defend
Without a conclusion in sight.
We confer and concur, we defer and demur
And reiterate all of our thoughts.
We revise the agenda with frequent addenda,
And consider a load of reports.
We compose and propose, we suppose and oppose,
And the points of procedure are fun;
But though various notions are brought up as motions,
There's terribly little gets done.
We resolve and absolve, but we never dissolve,
Since it's out of the question for us.
What a shattering pity to end our committee.
Where else could we make such a fuss?
(Attributed to Leslie Lipson, Copyright Phong Ngo RG APR99)
So I share this ode, titled simply "The Committee":
O give me your pity, I'm on a committee
Which means that from morning to night,
We attend and amend, and contend and defend
Without a conclusion in sight.
We confer and concur, we defer and demur
And reiterate all of our thoughts.
We revise the agenda with frequent addenda,
And consider a load of reports.
We compose and propose, we suppose and oppose,
And the points of procedure are fun;
But though various notions are brought up as motions,
There's terribly little gets done.
We resolve and absolve, but we never dissolve,
Since it's out of the question for us.
What a shattering pity to end our committee.
Where else could we make such a fuss?
(Attributed to Leslie Lipson, Copyright Phong Ngo RG APR99)
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
Unexcused absences
This email came to me from Brother Bob with the Subject Line "Fwd: !!@!" The title of the piece is "Reasons for Missing Work." While I have had excuses offered that came close to some of these, I can say (thankfully) that no-one tried these specific excuses on me.
Excuses For Missing Work 1. If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to clean all the guns today. 2. When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to my Prozac. I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it. 3. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other half back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of space-time continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion). I was able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the power source exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously rapping my dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be in late, or early. 4. My stigmata's acting up. 5. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my previous boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK? 6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know we have that deadline to meet... 7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food Giant. 8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit disorder and, hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes, could I help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you for calling. 9. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb. 10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information. 11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even gave me this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled. 12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the vet. 13. I prefer to remain an enigma. 14. My step other has come back as one of the Undead and we must track her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it. 15. I can't come to work today because the EPA has determined that my house is completely surrounded by wetlands and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation. 16. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian. 17. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates. 18. I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is a commuter tax. I insist on paying my fair share. 19. I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead!
Tuesday, June 7, 2016
Service Reviews
One of the least appealing aspects of the workplace is the annual evaluation of one's work. It is often viewed negatively by reviewer and reviewee alike. Among my responsibilities for more than two decades was to conduct Service Reviews for Salvation Army Officers. Try as I might to make it encouraging and productive, assessing another's work tended to be endured rather than enjoyed by the Officer under review.
There is a temptation to 'sugar coat' hard news. There is also a tendency to avoid direct honesty. It is a perpetual problem, as revealed by the following received from my brother Bob in 1997:
There is a temptation to 'sugar coat' hard news. There is also a tendency to avoid direct honesty. It is a perpetual problem, as revealed by the following received from my brother Bob in 1997:
Dictionary of Evaluation Comments
22OCT
Monday, June 6, 2016
Technology: Workplace Rules and Guidelines
Much has changed in the workplace over the past two decades, I had an opportunity to give some administrative support to a Corps in North Carolina recently and discovered that nearly a year away from the routine had created a need to reestablish some productive disciplines.
An email from my brother nineteen years ago titled "Technology: Workplace Rules and Guidelines" is a reminder of the way technology has dramatically affected the way we do business -- no matter what the business is.
Here are some suggestions from that 1997 email. (Honestly, I cannot figure out the title. It has little to do with technology, or rules and guidelines!) You can read the whole document at gotterdammerung.org.
An email from my brother nineteen years ago titled "Technology: Workplace Rules and Guidelines" is a reminder of the way technology has dramatically affected the way we do business -- no matter what the business is.
Here are some suggestions from that 1997 email. (Honestly, I cannot figure out the title. It has little to do with technology, or rules and guidelines!) You can read the whole document at gotterdammerung.org.
- Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you're waiting for your document.
- Insist that your e-mail address be "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com" (or "thor_god_of_thunder@companyname.com")
- Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.
- Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. "That's a good point Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi."
- Include a piece of your children's artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. (If you don't have children, draw stick figures yourself.)
- Schedule meetings for 4:14 pm.
- Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
- Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.
- Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. Talk into your daytimer.
- Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
- Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.
- Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
- Subscribe your coworkers to those free trade journals. Give them wacky middle names. Example: Bobby "Pud" McNeel.
- Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.
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