Lunch with God

While I call it my "Humor File," many of the pieces I have collected over the years are not at all funny -- just inspirational.  Before email became mundane, folk were fond of forwarding uplifting stories.  The ones I like best have a touch of humor to them.

In my devotions on Saturday I read the following quote from General Frederick Coutts' book The Call to Holiness:  "Humor is not joy, though a near cousin.  With some folk, however, humor and holiness are poles apart ... 'A believer must be a killjoy' ... The life of true holiness is a complete answer to that folly.  We are called not to unhappy holiness, but to a holy happiness."

So I chose for my post today an email I received in 2002 captioned "Have Lunch with God."  It is titled Twinkies and Root Beer and can still be located on the internet.  My email concludes with the sender saying "Thanks for touching my life."

Twinkies and Root Beer

A little boy set out to meet God. He thought it could be a long trip to where God lives so he packed his suitcase with Twinkies and a six-pack of root beer and started his journey.

When he had gone about three blocks he met an old man. He was sitting in the park just staring at some pigeons. The boy sat down next to him and opened his little suitcase. He was about to take a drink from his root beer when he noticed that the old man looked hungry so he offered him a Twinkie.

The elderly gentleman gratefully accepted it and smiled at the lad. His smile was so pleasant the boy wanted to see it again, so he offered him a root beer. Again, he smiled at him. The boy was delighted! They sat there all afternoon eating and smiling, but they never said a word.

As it grew dark, the boy realized how tired he was and he got up to leave, but before he had gone more than a few steps, he turned around, ran back to the old man, and gave him a hug. He gave him his biggest smile ever.

When the boy opened the door to his own house a short time later, his mother was surprised by the look of joy on his face. She asked him, “What did you do today that made you so happy?” He replied, “I had lunch with God.” But before his mother could respond, he added, “You know what? He’s got the most beautiful smile I’ve ever seen!”

Meanwhile, the old man, also radiant with joy, returned to his home. His son was stunned by the look of peace on his face and asked, “Dad, what did you do today that made you so happy?” He replied, “I ate Twinkies in the park with God.” Before his son responded, he added, “You know, he’s much younger than I expected.”

Too often we underestimate the power of a touch, a smile, a kind word, a listening ear, an honest compliment, or the smallest act of caring, all of which have the potential to turn a life around. People come into our lives for a reason, a season, or a lifetime. Embrace all equally! — author unknown

"Official" correspondence can be fun IV

Another Bulletin from the creative mind of Ron Wendt:

"Official" correspondence can be fun III

Before email, important information was sent from Territorial Headquarters on yellow paper captioned BULLETIN!  My intrepid session-mate Ron Wendt occasionally sent his own creations to trusted friends on official Bulletin stock.  I did not keep a copy of his most famous Bulletin, which recounted the story of injuries sustained by women in Africa as they were overrun by a herd of water buffalo while marching to a Home League Rally.  It got Ron in trouble because someone shared it widely as if it were genuine.

I received this Bulletin while the Corps Officer in Old Orchard Beach ME.  It came on band practice day, so I shared with a few bandsmen that evening -- including the former Territorial Commander Commissioner Bramwell Tripp.  He was relieved to hear that it was a joke.

"Official" correspondence can be fun II

The last two days I posted pieces about the travails of micro-management.  I am grateful that management principles in The Salvation Army, while valued, do not override personal relationships.

When I was the Corps Officer in Old Orchard Beach ME, the Divisional Secretary sent a letter to all units congratulating the Corps that had submitted their statistics on time.  My Corps was not listed, even though we had a spotless record of timely submission.  It turned out that our DHQ mail was hand-delivered to the DHQ mail room where, instead of being distributed to recipients at DHQ, it was sent back to us in OOB.  After I commented to Major Fred Van Brunt about the circumstances of OOB's omission from the "thank-you" letter, I received the following:

Not missing management redux

The following is a wonderfully creative response to an actual management report (not like yesterday's bogus one).  It is taken from standards for Salvation Army social service programs.  This response was shared with me, although it obviously was not submitted.

Sometimes the best way to cope with burdensome management expectations is with humor.

Standard:

• All program/corps forms and policy and procedure manuals should avoid run-on sentences and complicated language that is not easily understood by the reader.

Response:

We certainly agree and will endeavor to do our best to never let this happen because we know that it can be a drain on the reader, not least a client -- but even some of our staff have a hard time keeping things straight, so of course we would want to do that for both reasons and also our Divisional Program Secretary, who is a stickler for things like this, especially typos, would be very upset to know that anything under her Program auspices was not done well and with a professionalism that is due the reputation of our great Army (The Salvation Army) so that is another reason why we would be checking very carefully, being sure to avoid run-on sentences -- another impetus, so to speak -- to not annoy or confuse the reader who is really just interested in either knowing their rights if (for example) they are a client, or if it were to be a staff person reading, we know that they just want to know how best to do their jobs, which are so important to carrying out the mission of The Salvation Army to preach the gospel and meet human needs in Jesus' name (that was, of course, an abbreviation of the mission statement which I won't repeat here in full because of the very subject at hand), but we definitely understand the importance of appropriate sentence structure, brevity -- I once had a professor who said that the best sentences were the shortest most concise ones because, for many reasons which I won't summarize now (but just one example is one runs the risk of using the same word in the same sentence which is generally frowned upon for many reasons) -- in essence short is sweet.  I could elaborate more if you or others wish, but simply, to summarize, we definitely agree.

Thanks, Tom Dressler!

Not missing management

This piece of paper in my humor file is only 15 years old.  In fact, the joke is still available on-line.  This version is copied from a blog called jokemail.  The blog says, "Like most people with email I've been receiving jokes of dubious quality from friends with email for a number of years.  I thought I'd post them on a blog site.  I make no apologies for the fact that you've probably read them all before." This one is dated 9/28/2006.  So nine years later, I post it again as an even older joke.

There are many things I am missing about active officership in these early days of retirement.  But there are are some things I am more than happy to be spared from.  Among the latter are the challenges of getting things done and communicating well in a management-driven environment.  This pokes fun at Management Reports and their review:

The saga of management reviews of reports

Question: How many feet do mice have?

Original reply: Mice have four feet.

Management comment: Elaborate.

Revision 1: Mice have five appendages, four of which are feet.

Management comment: No discussion of fifth apendage.

Revision 2: Mice have five appendages; four of them are feet and one is tail.

Management comment: What? Feet without legs?

Revision 3: Mice have four legs, four feet, and one tail per mouse.

Management comment: Confusing. Is that a total of 9 appendages?

Revision 4: Mice have four leg-foot assemblies and one tail per body.
Management comment: Does not fully discuss the issue.

Revision 5: Each mouse comes equipped with four legs and a tail. Each leg is equipped with a foot at the end opposite to the body; the tail is not equipped with a foot.
Management comment: Descriptive but not decisive.

Revision 6: Allotment for mice will be:
FOUR LEG-FOOT ASSEMBLIES, ONE TAIL.
Deviation from this policy is not permitted as it would constitute misapportionment of scarce appendage assets.
Management comment: Too authoritative, stifles creativity.

Revision 7: Mice have four feet; each foot is attached to a small leg joined integrally with the overall mouse structural sub-system. Also attached to the mouse sub-system is a thin tail, non functional and ornamental in nature.
Management comment: Too verbose and scientific. Answer the question.

Final Revision: Mice have four feet.
Management comment: Approved.

Punctuation counts

I love jokes that are timeless and persist.  The following was sent to me by my brother Bob in 1997:

A panda walks into a saloon and growls, "Gimme a sandwich. After wolfing down the sandwich, he draws a six-shooter, plugs the piano player dead in the back, and heads for the door.

"Hey!" the bartender yells. "Where are you going? You haven't paid for your sandwich!"

"Idiot!" the panda replies. "I'm a PANDA! Look it up!"  and he leaves.

The bartender looks up 'panda' in the dictionary and finds: "A large furry marsupial of the Asian continent. Eats shoots and leaves."

This story became the basis of a book in 2003 by Lynne Truss titled Eats, Shoots & Leaves:  The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation.

grammarly.com refers to the final comma before 'and' in a list as the Oxford comma.  Its importance is illustrated by its absence from the following:

From Sky News:  Top stories:  World leaders at Mandela tribute, Obama-Castro handshake and same-sex marriage date set ...

A book dedication:  To my parents, Ayn Rand and God

Describing a documentary about Merle Haggard:  Among those interviewed were his two ex-wives, Kris Kristofferson and Robert Duvall.

Times of London:  Highlights of Peter Ustinov's global tour include encounters with Nelson Mandela, an 800-year old demigod and a dildo collector.

Since commas count as characters on Twitter, one wonders if the days of the Oxford comma are numbered.

Residency Application

Moving to a new state -- the eleventh State in which we have resided -- required a lot of paperwork to get drivers' licenses, get title to and register the car and the trailer, pay taxes, register to vote, declare our permanent residency, etc.  Each form was different and asked for different information, but nothing like the following.

This is one of the older items in my humor file, dated 4/23/1996.  It was forwarded to me by my daughter-in-law Nora.  But rather than West Virginia, it was titled "State of Montana Residency Application."  I think it can be used of any location that a snobby Northeasterner wants to mock, although that does not describe Nora; she just thought it was fun.

I found this version on-line at http://www.joke-archives.com/apps/appwvirginia.html  (My wife has a lot of family who live in West Virginia.  I hope they understand that this is humor.  Even after editing out some of the worst stuff, it still might get me in trouble.)

West Virginia State Residency Application

1. Last Name: _________________________



2. First Name:
   ____ Billy-Bob
   ____ Billy-Joe
   ____ Billy-Ray
   ____ Billy-Sue
   ____ Billy-Mae
   ____ Billy-Jack
   (Check appropriate box)



3. Age: ____



4. Sex: ____ M ____ F _____ N/A



5. Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right



6. CB Handle: _____________________



7. Occupation:
   ____ Farmer
   ____ Mechanic
   ____ Hair Dresser
   ____ Un-employed
   ____ Coal Miner



8. Spouse's Name: __________________________



9. Relationship with spouse:
   ____ Sister
   ____ Brother
   ____ Aunt
   ____ Uncle
   ____ Cousin
   ____ Mother
   ____ Father
   ____ Son
   ____ Daughter
   ____ Pet



10. Number of children living in household: ___



11. Number that are yours: ___



12. Mother's Name: _______________________



13. Father's Name: _______________________ (If not sure, leave blank)



14. Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)



15. Do you (__)own or (___)rent your mobile home? (Check appropriate box)



16. Vehicles:
    ____ Total number of vehicles you own
    ____ Number of vehicles that still crank
    ____ Number of vehicles in front yard
    ____ Number of vehicles in back yard
    ____ Number of vehicles on cement blocks



17. Firearms you own and where you keep them:
    ____ truck
    ____ bedroom
    ____ bathroom
    ____ kitchen
    ____ shed



18. Model and year of your pickup: _____________ 194_
    Number of empty beer cans on floorboard or in bed of pickup: _________



19. Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
    ____ The National Enquirer
    ____ The Globe
    ____ TV Guide
    ____ Soap Opera Digest
    ____ Gun World



20. ____ Number of times you've seen a UFO



21. ____ Number of times you've seen Elvis



22. ____ Number of times you've seen Elvis in a UFO



23. How often do you bathe:
    ____ Weekly
    ____ Monthly
    ____ Holidays
    ____ Not Applicable



24. Color of teeth:
    ____ Yellow
    ____ Brownish-Yellow
    ____ Brown
    ____ Black
    ____ No teeth
    ____ N/A



25. Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
    ____ Red-Man



26. How far is your home from a paved road?
    ____ 1 mile
    ____ 2 miles
    ____ don't know
    ____ can't get there from here



27. Reason for continued residence in West Virginia:
    ____ can't bear to leave brothers behind
    ____ daddy won't give me my pants back
    ____ liberal wife beating laws



28. Bumper Stickers:
    ____ Eat more Possum
    ____ My other car is a piece of junk too
    ____ Red-man Chewing Tobacco
    ____ Don't blame me; I voted for McGovern



29. Favorite Recreation:
    ____ Square Dancin'
    ____ Possum Huntin'
    ____ Skinny Dippin'
    ____ Craw Daddin'
    ____ Gospel Singin'
    ____ 4-Wheelin'
    ____ Drankin'
    ____ Spittin' Backy
    ____ Bill Chip Trowin'
    ____ Honky Tonkin'
    ____ Noodlin'
    ____ Other



30. Number of Dogs: ____
    
    • Type:
      ____ Blue Tick
      ____ Beagle
      ____ Black & Tan
      ____ Bird Dawg



31. Cap Emblem:
    ____ John Deere
    ____ McCulloch Chain Saws
    ____ Budweiser
    ____ Vo-Tech
    ____ Skoal
    ____ Coors
    ____ NAPA



32. Memberships:
    ____ KKK
    ____ NRA
    ____ Moose
    ____ PTL Club
    ____ AA
    ____ Bass Club
    ____ VFW
    ____ Quiltin' Bee
    ____ American Legion
    ____ United Sons/Daughters of the Confederacy
    ____ John Birch Society

A letter from Camp

This one is dated 1998 and came from a stranger named Burt Kettinger who knew of the Army's camping program and thought we might enjoy.

With summer coming to an end, so are the Army's summer camp programs.  I don't know if kids still write letters to parents from camp as they did when I was a counselor, but I can imagine a mischievous imp composing something like this:

Dear Mom & Dad,

We are having a great time here at Lake Typhoid.  Scoutmaster Webb is making us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried.  We are OK.  Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.  Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Chad's mother and tell her he is OK.  He can't write because of the cast.  I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps.  It was neat.  We never would have found him in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.  Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone.  Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up?  The wet wood still didn't burn, but one of our tents did.  Also some of our clothes.  John is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed.  It wasn't his fault about the wreck.  The brakes worked OK when we left.  Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it.  We think it's a neat car.  He doesn't care if we get it dirty; and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate.  It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car.  He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy.  Don't worry, he is a good driver.  In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive.  But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic.  All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake.  Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his case, so he let us take the canoe across the lake.  It was great.  You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.  Scoutmaster Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters.  He didn't even get mad about the life jackets.

He has to spend a lot of time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.  Guys what?  We have all passed our first aid merit badges.  When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.

Also Wade and I threw up.  Scoutmaster Webb said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken.

I have to go now.  We are going into town to mail our letters and buy bullets.  Don't worry about anything.  We are fine.

Love, 
Cole

P.S.  How long has it been since I had a tetanus shot?

"Official" correspondence can be fun

Another tidbit from the delightfully twisted mind of Major Ronald A. Wendt (R).  The Letter is self-explanatory.  Note how authentic it appears.  (Hoping everyone can read it.)

More spill chick

Major Ronald Wendt is noted for his delightfully whacky sense of humor.  I was the beneficiary/victim on a number of occasions.

We served together on the Western Pennsylvania DHQ Staff in the mid-90s.  On one occasion, I wrote to all the DHQ Staff because I had seen some sloppiness in the correspondence being sent from DHQ as I reviewed the circulating reading folders.  Misspellings, poor grammar, missing words, and the like gave the recipient cause to mistrust the professionalism of DHQ.  Because it was not limited to one or two individuals, I felt it best to address a general memo to the entire staff.

This is the official response I received from Major Wendt:

MENORAMDUM

To:       Major Donald Hostetler, General Secretary

From: Major Ronald A. Wendt, Assistant Financial Secretary

Date:  March 21, 1994

Re:      APPERANACE OF DHQ CORRESPONDENTS

______________________________________________________________

I ma in recipe of your memorandum addressing the apperanace of the official correspondents groin out of Divisional Headquarters.

Belief me, I could not ague width you more.  I toto am perplexed at the typos I see in various ream files that puss across my decks.

Thank you for ‘hitting the mail in the head’ by addressing a serious and most frustration issue.

p.S.  I used spill-check on this end it worked fine.

Spill chick

There are times when the auto-correct function on electronic devices drive me crazy, but I have been grateful for spell-check and grammar-check in word processing programs.  However, merely spelling a word correctly does not ensure that it has been used properly.

This poem came from Major Ronald Wendt, with the preface "Proving there is still a need for fossils who can spell."  Now that I am retired from active duty, I suppose the label 'fossil' applies even more now.  So enjoy this ode to proper spelling:

Eye halve a spelling chequer.

It came with my pea sea.

It plainly marques four my revue

Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word

And weight four it two say

Weather eye am wrong oar write;

It show me strait a weigh.

As soon as a mist ache is maid,

It nose bee fore two long

And eye can put the error rite.

Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it.

I am shore your pleased two no

Its letter perfect awl the weigh.

My chequer told me sew.

Sona si Latine loqueris

My brother Larry has a blog devoted to word derivations.  It's called "What's the Good Word?" and I recommend it highly:  http://larry-whatsthegoodword.blogspot.com

I attended a Jr./Sr. High School that required Latin for grades 7 - 9; the school motto is "Sursum ad summum" - rise to the highest.  I took one more year of Latin in the 10th grade rather than two years of a foreign language.  (A choice I came to regret.)  But because of the sheer number of words in English that trace back to Latin, my four years of Latin have helped me better understand much of the language I speak.

A colleague at DHQ in Syracuse sent me a long list of funny phrases translated into Latin.  The title of this post means "Honk if you speak Latin."  Perhaps if we could express ourselves in Latin, it might make our most vacuous comments sound intelligent.  For example:

Te precor dulcissime supplex! 
Pretty please with a cherry on top!

Mellita, domi adsum.
Honey, I'm home.

Fac me cocleario vomere! 
Gag me with a spoon!

Ventis secundis, tene cursum.
Go with the flow.

Sic faciunt omnes.
Everyone is doing it.

Fac ut vivas.
Get a life.

The full list can be found here:
http://web.mit.edu/afs/athena.mit.edu/user/d/r/dryfoo/www/Funny-pages/handy-latin.html

More Words -- Just for Fun

There are three parts to this blog post.  All are on a single page kept from my days on the College for Officer Training staff.  (Although I don't recall which one.)  We encountered challenges with making appropriate academic accommodations for English Second Language Cadets in the highly demanding, highly competitive Training environment.  It was important to acknowledge the difficulties posed by the language itself.  So here's the piece:

Just for Fun

Here are some word-play items taken at various times from multiple forwarded emails:

Proverbs for the Nineties (that tells you how old they are!)

• Clones are people, two.
• Dyslexics have more fnu.
• What if there were no hypothetical questions?
• No use being pessimistic; it wouldn't work, anyway.
• Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

The following two items should have particular use for our instruction of English-first-language Cadets.

Rules of Grammar

1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague.  (They're old hat.)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should never generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences?  Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.  Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. Eliminate quotations.  As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations.  Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times:  Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Examples of why English is so hard to master

We polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

A farm can produce produce.

The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.

The soldier decided to desert in the desert after he had eaten his dessert.

The present is a good time to present the present to each one who is present.

At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum in bas relief -- a base concept.

The dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance for the invalid was invalid.

The bandage was wound around the wound.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are around.

They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.

To help with the planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.

I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.

Words, words, words

My daughter recently shared a link that detailed "faux-educated words of the 19th century" to poke fun at my brothers and me.  Our family's love for words is apparent in many ways.  But so is our love of humor.

My next three posts shall be devoted to word humor.  The first has no email reference -- it is a paper document only.  However, it is attributed to The Wilson Quarterly.  When I google "The Jargon Generator" I get lots of different hits and a variety of approaches similar to the paper in my humor file.  Alas, neither google nor the Wilson Quarterly web site gave me this item intact, so I type it in for your reading pleasure:

THE JARGON GENERATOR (from The Wilson Quarterly)

Ever wonder how bureaucrats, educators, and others come up with the terminology they unload on an unsuspecting public?  They use a Jargon Generator.

The high school administrator who conceived of it has chosen to remain anonymous.  The tool consists of three columns of nine words each.  The first two columns consist of multisyllabic adjectives, and the their contains ambiguous nouns that defy strict definition.

Column 1
1. integrated
2. total
3. systematized
4. parallel
5. functional
6. responsive
7. synchronized
8. compatible
9. balanced

Column 2
1. management
2. organizational
3. monitored
4. reciprocal
5. logistical
6. transitional
7. modular
8. creative
9. operational

Column 3
1. outputs
2. flexibility
3. analysis
4. mobility
5. factors
6. concept
7. capability
8. guidelines
9. contingencies

To use the Jargon Generator, merely take any three digit number and apply each digit to the corresponding sequential column.  E.g., the number 641 will give you "responsive reciprocal outputs," an impressive and erudite phrase that can be applied in almost any situation.

Use of the Jargon Generator when you really have nothing to say, the author points out, will result in absolutely no one knowing what you're talking about.  But, he adds, what really matters is that 1) they will never admit it and 2) they will accept you as a decisive thinker who possesses great ability to verbalize complex ideas.

Sort of a 297, one might say.

Signs you might be a yankee

Having retired and moved to the south, I find frequent reminders of having lived most of my life in the Northeast USA.  This list has some durability.  It was sent to me by my brother Bob in 1997 (yes, from a compuserve.com email); my google search showed it still alive in 2007, with comments adding several, albeit unworthy, additions.  (With the exception of #29 below, which I used to replace one with sexual references.)

Here are 35 signs you might be a yankee --

1. You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside."  
2. You think Heinz Ketchup is spicy.  
3. You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire sauce" correctly.  
4. For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits.  
5. You don't know what a moon pie is.  
6. You've never had grain alcohol.  
7. You've never, ever, eaten Okra.  
8. You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork.  
9. You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen are on road trips.  
10. You have no idea what a polecat is.  
11. Whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, it goes over your head.  
12. You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a poodle.  
13. You don't have bangs.  
14. You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags.  
15. More than two generations of your family have been kicked out of the same prep school in Connecticut.  
16. You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up to get his own TV fishing show.  
17. Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call them "you’se guys," even if both of them are women.  
18. You don't think Howard Stern has an accent.  
19. You have never planned your summer vacation around a gun-and-knife show.  
20. You think more money should go to important scientific research at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach.  
21. You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around the house.  
22. The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from getting on an on-ramp on the highway.  
23. You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores.  
24. The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at Neiman-Marcus.  
25. You call binoculars opera glasses.  
26. You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the side of the road and stopping.  
27. You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt.  
28. You don't know what applique is.  
29. You are morally opposed to ordinary people shopping at Wal-Mart, but have no problem with celebrities buying babies from third world countries.
30. You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, Billy Bob, Kay Bob, Bob Bob).  
31. You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to make one.  
32. You've never been to a craft show.  
33. You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you.  
34. You can't do your laundry without quarters.  
35. None of your fur coats are homemade.