More Words -- Just for Fun

There are three parts to this blog post.  All are on a single page kept from my days on the College for Officer Training staff.  (Although I don't recall which one.)  We encountered challenges with making appropriate academic accommodations for English Second Language Cadets in the highly demanding, highly competitive Training environment.  It was important to acknowledge the difficulties posed by the language itself.  So here's the piece:

Just for Fun

Here are some word-play items taken at various times from multiple forwarded emails:

Proverbs for the Nineties (that tells you how old they are!)

• Clones are people, two.
• Dyslexics have more fnu.
• What if there were no hypothetical questions?
• No use being pessimistic; it wouldn't work, anyway.
• Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

The following two items should have particular use for our instruction of English-first-language Cadets.

Rules of Grammar

1. Verbs has to agree with their subjects.
2. Prepositions are not words to end sentences with.
3. And don't start a sentence with a conjunction.
4. It is wrong to ever split an infinitive.
5. Avoid cliches like the plague.  (They're old hat.)
6. Also, always avoid annoying alliteration.
7. Be more or less specific.
8. Parenthetical remarks (however relevant) are (usually) unnecessary.
9. Also too, never, ever use repetitive redundancies.
10. No sentence fragments.
11. Contractions aren't necessary and shouldn't be used.
12. Foreign words and phrases are not apropos.
13. Do not be redundant; do not use more words than necessary; it's highly superfluous.
14. One should never generalize.
15. Comparisons are as bad as cliches.
16. Don't use no double negatives.
17. Eschew ampersands & abbreviations, etc.
18. One-word sentences?  Eliminate.
19. Analogies in writing are like feathers on a snake.
20. The passive voice is to be ignored.
21. Eliminate commas, that are, not necessary.  Parenthetical words however should be enclosed in commas.
22. Never use a big word when a diminutive one would suffice.
23. Kill all exclamation points!!!
24. Use words correctly, irregardless of how others use them.
25. Understatement is always the absolute best way to put forth earth shaking ideas.
26. Use the apostrophe in it's proper place and omit it when its not needed.
27. Eliminate quotations.  As Ralph Waldo Emerson said, "I hate quotations.  Tell me what you know."
28. If you've heard it once, you've heard it a thousand times:  Resist hyperbole; not one writer in a million can use it correctly.
29. Puns are for children, not groan readers.
30. Go around the barn at high noon to avoid colloquialisms.
31. Even if a mixed metaphor sings, it should be derailed.
32. Who needs rhetorical questions?
33. Exaggeration is a billion times worse than understatement.
34. Proofread carefully to see if you any words out.

Examples of why English is so hard to master

We polish the Polish furniture.

He could lead if he would get the lead out.

A farm can produce produce.

The dump was so full it had to refuse refuse.

The soldier decided to desert in the desert after he had eaten his dessert.

The present is a good time to present the present to each one who is present.

At the Army base, a bass was painted on the head of a bass drum in bas relief -- a base concept.

The dove dove into the bushes.

I did not object to the object.

The insurance for the invalid was invalid.

The bandage was wound around the wound.

There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.

They were too close to the door to close it.

The buck does funny things when the does are around.

They sent a sewer down to stitch the tear in the sewer line.

To help with the planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

After a number of Novocain injections, my jaw got number.

I shed a tear when I saw the tear in my clothes.

I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

I spent last evening evening out a pile of dirt.