Huh?

Another gem from Major Gary Kyle, sent to me in 2008.  I found it online at johnpratt.com on a page titled simply "Aphorisms."  (I have edited slightly.  And there are a few differences from the 2008 version, too.)

APHORISM: A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE THAT EXPRESSES A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH

1. The nicest thing about the future is that it always starts tomorrow. 
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail. 
3. If you don't have a sense of humor, you probably don't have any sense at all. 
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs. 
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you're in deep water. 
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night? 
7. Business conventions are important because they demonstrate how many people a company can operate without. 
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a cat and you will have a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins . . . the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 a.m.  (Like, it could be the right number.)
13. No one ever says "It's only a game" when their team is winning. 
14. I've reached the age where 'happy hour' is a nap. 
15. Be careful about reading the fine print.  There's no way you're going to like it. 
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket. 
17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we'll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!) 
18. Money can't buy happiness, but somehow it's more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Pinto.  (You remember the Ford Pinto, don't you?)
19. After 60, if you don't wake up aching in every joint, you're probably dead. 
20. Always be yourself, because the people that matter don't mind and the ones that mind don't matter. 
21. Life isn't tied with a bow but it's still a gift.

REMEMBER....
POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON

Celebrating bad writing

Several years ago, I came across a competition to write horrible fiction ... at least the first sentence of a bad novel.  Called the Buller-Lytton Fiction Contest, there are some wonderfully funny submissions.  (Alas, I have never entered the contest.)

It was less than five years ago that Major Gary Kyle sent me an email containing terrible analogies and metaphors.  Since it refers to the annual "Dark and Stormy Night" competition, I went to the Bulwer-Lytton site to find it, without success.  However, I located the list posted by Michael Kerr at humoratwork.com.

Here 'tis:

Funny Similes and Metaphors

Analogies, Similes and Metaphors to Make You Laugh

Here’s something to make you laugh, but it’s not a bad idea for a humor at work contest: hold a workplace contest for the worst example of bureaucratic writing you can find, or the worst business related metaphor.  These came from the annual “Dark and Stormy Night” competition. Actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays:

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil, this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame, maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

Michael Kerr, Humor at Work.com   

Wondering why ...?

This email in my humor file was sent in 2000, one of my more recent pieces.  I have heard some of these lines uttered by comedians who like to poke fun at the English language.  I found this version on-line on a blog called "The Writer."

Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

And other oddities of our language ...

• Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?
• Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
• Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing?
• Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
• Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
• Why are they called " stands" when they are made for sitting?
• Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?
• Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?
• Why are a "wise man" and a "wise guy" opposites?
• Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?
• Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?
• Why is bra singular and panties plural?
• Why do we put suits in garment bags and garments in a suitcase?
• How come abbreviated is such a long word?
• Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?
• Why do we drive on a parkway and park on a driveway?

Extra words for the day

My daughter-in-law Nora sent this to me in July 1998.  But it is still on the internet under the name Adam Young.

I dipped into my humor file under the caption 'language/word play' after reading the following statement posted by David Cedervall on his Facebook page:  "Think outside the quadrilateral parallelogram."

These are ten words that don't exist, but should.  (BTW, if you google that phrase, you'll get more lists.)

01. AQUADEXTROUS - adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bathroom faucet on and off with your toes.

02. CARPERPETUATION - n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

03. DISCONFECT - v. To sterilize a piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow “remove” all the germs.

04. ELBONICS - n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a movie theater (airplane).

05. FRUST - n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keep backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

06. LACTOMANGULATION - n. Manhandling the “open here” spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the “illegal” side.

07. PEPPIER - n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

08. PHONESIA - n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

09. PUPKUS - n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

10. TELECRASTINATION - n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you’re only six inches away.

Generation gap

This email was sent to me in early 2002 by my erstwhile Songster Leader Jack Bunton.

One evening a granddaughter was talking to her grandmother about current events.  She asked what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The grandmother replied,  "Well, let me think a minute. ... I was born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill.  There were no credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens.

"We had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers -- well, clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air -- and man had not yet walked on the moon.

"Your grandfather and I got married first, then lived together.

"Every family had a mother and a father.  Girls wore dresses and knew how to cook and sew.  And every boy over 14 had a rifle that his dad taught him how to use and respect.  And they went hunting and fishing together.

"Until I was 25, I called every woman older than me 'Ma'am' and every man older than me 'Sir.'  And after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title 'Sir.'

"Sundays were set aside for going to church as a family, helping those in need, and visiting with family or neighbors.

"We were before gay rights, computer dating, dual careers, Day Care centers, and group therapy.  Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense.  We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong, and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.  Serving your country was a privilege, and living here was a bigger privilege.

"We thought fast food was what people ate during Lent.

"Having a 'meaningful relationship' meant getting along with your cousins.

"Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.  Time-sharing meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends, not purchasing a condominium.

"We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt or guys wearing earrings.  We listened to Jack Benny, The Shadow, The Lone Ranger, and the President's speeches on our radios.

"And I don't remember any kid blowing his (or somebody else's) brains out after listening to a song by Doris Day, Elvis Presley, The Drifters or The Platters.

"If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk.  Pizza Hut, McDonald's and instant coffee were unheard of.

"We had 5 & 10 cent stores where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.  Ice cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.  And if you didn't want to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail 1 letter and 2 postcards.  You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600, but who could afford one?  Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

"In my day 'grass' was mowed, 'coke' was a cold drink, 'pot' was something your mother cooked in, and 'rock music' was a lullaby.  'Aids' were helpers in the Principal's office, 'chip' meant a piece of wood, 'hardware' was found in a hardware store, and 'software' wasn't even a word.

"And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.  No wonder people call us 'old and confused' and say there is a 'generation gap.'

"And how old do you think I am -- ???

ANSWER:  This woman would be only 58 years old.

If this woman would have been only 58 in 2002, we're now talking about someone in her early seventies.  But then, 70 is the new 55.

Light-Hearted Prayer

I have been using this blog to share selections from material that I received through the internet over the years.  But I also have some treasured old volumes of humor.  Two are by Tom Mullen:  Laughing out Loud and Other Religious Experiences and Seriously, Life is a Laughing Matter.  The first chapter of the latter is titled "A Light-Hearted Call to a Devout and Holy Life" and concludes with a prayer attributed to a 17th century nun.  I share it as I find myself praying similarly these days.

O Lord, keep me from getting talkative.  And particularly from the fatal habit that I must say something on every subject and on every occasion.

Release me from the craving to straighten out everybody's affairs.

Keep my mind free from the recital of endless details; give me wings to get to the point.  Seal my lips when inclined to tell of my aches and pains.  They are increasing with the years and my love of rehearsing them grows sweeter as the years go by.

Teach me the glorious lesson that occasionally it is possible that I may be mistaken.

Keep me reasonably sweet.  I do not want to be a Saint.  Some of them are hard to live with, but a sour old woman is one of the crowning works of the devil.

Help me to extract all possible fun out of life.  There are so many funny things around us, and I do not want to miss any of them.

Make me thoughtful but not moody, helpful but not bossy.  With my vast store of wisdom it seems a pity not to use it all, but Thou, my Lord, knoweth that I want a few friends left at the end.

I say, "Amen" to that.

In my day ...

This email was sent to me by my brother Bob in 1997 and shows a copyright by The Washington Post Company.  I found it on an Alabama newspaper web site.  One wonders how different the submissions would be today, nearly twenty years later.  Millennials might have difficulty understanding some of these references.

In my day ...

From a Washington Post Report, in which readers were asked to tell Gen-Xers how much harder they had it in the old days:

Second Runner-Up: In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction. (Bill Flavin, Alexandria)

First Runner-Up: In my day we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

And the winner of the velour bicentennial poster: In my day, we didn't have no rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads. (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)

Honorable Mentions:

• In my day, we didn't have dogs or cats. All I had was Silver Beauty, my beloved paper clip. (Jennifer Hart, Arlington)
• Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get all excited about. We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
• In my day, we didn't have days. There was only time for work, time for prayer and time for sleep. The sheriff would go around and tell everyone when to change. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
• In my day, people could only dream of hitchhiking a ride on a comet. (David Ronka, Charlottesville)
• In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes drenched in melted fat from those animals. And we're all as strong as GKK-GAAK Urrgh. Thud. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg)
• In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated. (Jon Patrick Smith, Washington)
• In my day, we didn't get that disembodied, slightly ticked-off voice saying 'Doors closing.' We got on the train, the doors closed, and if your hand was sticking out it scraped along the tunnel all the way to the Silver Spring station and it was a bloody stump at the end. But the base fare was only a dollar. (Russell Beland, Springfield)
• In my day, we didn't have water. We had to smash together our own hydrogen and oxygen atoms. (Diana Hugue, Bowie)
• In my day, we didn't have Strom Thurmond. Oh, wait. Yes we did. (Peg Sheeran, Vienna)
• Kids today think the world revolves around them. In my day, the sun revolved around the world, and the world was perched on the back of a giant tortoise. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)
• In my day, we wore our pants up around our armpits. Monstrous wedgies, but we looked snappy. (Bruce Evans, Washington)
• In my day, we didn't have virtual reality. If a one-eyed razorback barbarian warrior was chasing you with an ax, you just had to hope you could outrun him. (Sarah M. Wolford, Hanover)

Bob's email included the following that are not on the web page I cited:

• In my day, we didn't have mouses to move the cursor around.  We only had the arrows, and if the up arrow was broken and you needed to get to the top of the screen, well, you just hit the left arrow a thousand times, dadgummit.  (Kevin Cudahy, Fairfax)
• When I was your age, we didn't have fake doggie-do. We only had
  real doggie-do, and no one thought it was a bit funny.  (Brendan Bassett, Columbia)
• In my day, we didn't have fancy high numbers.  We had "Nothing," "one," "twain," and "multitudes."  (Elder Carnahan, Laurel)
• In the old days, nobody asked you to sign petitions.  The sheriff just came to your house and told you you was part of a posse.  (Barry Blyveis, Columbia)
• Back in my day, '60 Minutes' wasn't just a bunch of gray-haired, liberal 80-year-old guys. It was a bunch of gray-haired, liberal 60-year-old guys.  (Russell Beland, Springfield and Jerry Pannullo, Kensington)

You know you're Salvation Army when ...

I was in a group of recipients of an email from a Cadet in 1998 under the subject of this post.  (The date was early June.  He may have sent it just before his Commissioning.)

There are too many to share them all, so I'm sharing my favorites.

You know you're Salvation Army when ...

• you start naming your kids Bramwell or Evangeline.
• you make your kid get a receipt for a lollipop.
• a telephone call in May makes your palms sweat.
• your DC will be in OOB; the HL is without SB or GG because SLC is open; the DYS is with the GS who is POW while eating only BK or McDLTs; that means the CFC is MIA and, FYI, the CC is meeting without the CO to discuss the O & R and criticize your SOP.  So you Farewell PDQ.
• your neighbors leave used clothes on your doorstep.
• you wear black socks with shorts and sandals.
• toll collectors give you a receipt without your even asking.
• the homeless throw you a quarter.
• the kid at McDonald's asks you if you'll be having the usual.
• your voice mail has "God Bless You" in it.
• people don't recognize you out of uniform.
• you have to get approval to go on vacation.
• you say, "just now" instead "now," as in "just now, as you hear the music, come forward ..."
• you know what a Dispo is.
• your first name is Lieutenant, Captain or Major.
• you have preached a sermon to only two people.
• you are the dry cleaners' biggest customer.

My kids would probably add one to the list:  You know your parents are officers when you expect to take your date to the Prom in a fifteen passenger van.

Leadership

In 2010, while I was the Divisional Commander in the Cascade Division, one of the officers in the Division sent the following to me.  I'm confident that Major Jim Sloan was not pointing a finger at his DC ... or was he?

A young enlisted Marine was leaving the base headquarters' office at 15:45 when he found the Colonel-in-charge standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

"Listen," said the Colonel, "this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary is not here.  Can you make this thing work?"

"Certainly," said the young Marine.  He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

"Excellent, excellent!" said the Colonel as his paper disappeared inside the machine, "I just need one copy."

Lesson:  Never, ever assume that your leader knows what he's doing.

The Good Old Days

In this era of instantaneous communication, 'text speak,' etc. it is sometimes hard to remember what things were like when one typed a letter, mailed it, and awaited the typed reply a week or so later.  In those days, urgent messages were sent by telegraph.  (Are fax machines obsolete yet?  I remember when they were supposed to eliminate the time lapse of snail mail.)

Email makes it easy to cut and paste, so the message remains virtually unchanged from IHQ to NHQ to THQ to DHQ to the Corps Officer.  Here's what some wag suggested things were like in the good old days.

The Salvation Army in the Good Old Days

The story goes that in 1910 the Army chain of command worked like this:

The General issued the following directive to the National Commander, USA:  "Tomorrow evening at approximately 2000 hours, Halley's Comet will be visible in the area, an event which occurs only once every 76 years.  Have the comrades assemble at Yankee Stadium in full regulation uniform and I will explain this rare phenomenon to them.  In case of rain, we will not be able to see anything, so assemble the comrades in Memorial Temple [editor's note - I know that the CMT was not built until 1930, but remember that the name of this blog is "Humor Me!"] and I will show them a film of this."

National Commander to the Territorial Commander - "By order of the General, tomorrow at 2000 hours Halley's Comet will appear above Yankee Stadium.  If it rains, fall the soldiers out in full regulation uniform, then march them into the Memorial Temple where the rare phenomenon will take place, something which occurs only every 76 years."

Territorial Commander to the Chief Secretary - "By order of the National Commander, in full regulation uniform at 2000 hours tomorrow evening the phenomenal Halley's Comet will appear in Yankee Stadium.  In case of rain in the Memorial Temple, the National Commander will give another order, one which occurs every 76 years."

Chief Secretary to the Field Secretary - "Tomorrow at 2000 hours, the National Commander will appear in Yankee Stadium with Halley's Comet, something which happens every 76 years.  If it rains, the National Commander will order the comet into the Memorial Temple."

Field Secretary to Divisional Commanders - "When it rains tomorrow at 2000 hours, the phenomenal 76-year old General Halley, accompanied by the National Commander, will drive his comet through the Memorial Temple in his full regulation uniform."

Stress relievers

The biggest source of stress for me in retirement so far seems to be the absence of stress.  I worry that I am not worrying about things -- am I missing something?  (Given my proclivity for worry, that is not surprising.  So my nature creates things for me to worry about.  Then I have to ask the Lord to forgive me for my disobedience to Matthew 6:31-34 and Philippians 4:6.)

In 1999, my daughter sent me a list of 66 sayings that should be on buttons, with the remark, "I think some of these would make great stress relievers."  I found 45 of them on a web site for the Freeman Institute

Here are my favorites:

• Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
• Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of self-control.
• Does your train of thought have a caboose?
• Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
• A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
• Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
• I refuse to star in your melodrama.
• How do I set a laser printer to stun?
• Meandering to a different drummer.
• I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.

Doing this humor blog gives me something to do, relieving my stress from a stress-free lifestyle.  It's like one other item on Elissa's button list:  "A PBS mind in an MTV world."  That's me, I guess.

A little silliness

Two silly stories from 1997 sent to me by my brother Bob.  The first is on-line with a copyright date of 1998 Noted doughboy dies.  The second was attributed to an April 7, 1996 Ann Landers column.  I have found several versions of it on-line and also found an AP piece by Jean Heller in the New York Daily News dated June 4, 1972 that carries a few more faux legislation titles attributed to Dick Pence.  The article is titled "Stennis, Anyone?" and can be found here

NOTED DOUGH BOY DIES

     Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years.
     Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies.       The Graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy. describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".
     Fresh rose quicky in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schenes, Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions.
     Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and one in the oven.

Stennis, anyone?

     From the Honolulu Advertiser more than 20 years ago as printed in Ann Landers, Sunday, April 7, 1996 (slightly rephrased) - 

      Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. Table Tennis Team after its tour of Communist China.
      The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out of passing the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill.

Other faux legislation from 1972:  the Bible-Church-Chappel-Bell-Tower Prayer Amendment; the Cannon-Towell Keep America Clean Bill; the Scherle-Ketchem Police Assistance Bill; the Butler-Baker-Cook Household Employees Wage Bill; the Hunt-Heinz-Pickle-Pepper Food Additive Bill; the Young-Aiken-Hart-Case Daytime Television Standards Bill.

Voice mail

This piece from my brother Bob is so old that it is titled "answering machine greetings."  But I googled that phrase and found from 'Al's Text Humor Page' a list of 88 answering machine greetings which include most of those Bob sent me.  Here's the link:  88 answering machine messages

Here are a few of my favorites that I have edited for voice mail, now that answering machines are themselves obsolete like me.

From Bob's list:

• (Narrator's voice)  There Don sits, reading a magazine.  Suddenly the telephone rings!  The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Don in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds!  Will he make it in time?  Alas, no.  His valiant effort is in vain.  The tone hath sounded.  Thou must leave a message.

From Al's Text Humor Page:

• This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
• 
  
• [In a drawling granny voice] Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no smart phones with voice mail. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.
• 
  
• Hello. You are talking to a phone. I am capable of receiving messages. My owner does not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. He gives to charity through the office and doesn't need his picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and he will get back to you.
• 
  
• You know what I hate about voice mail messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "I'm not available, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, dearest caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long voice mail message when you call me...
• 
  
• You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

My favorite, though, is the simplest:

• Hi.  Now you say something.