Voice mail

This piece from my brother Bob is so old that it is titled "answering machine greetings."  But I googled that phrase and found from 'Al's Text Humor Page' a list of 88 answering machine greetings which include most of those Bob sent me.  Here's the link:  88 answering machine messages

Here are a few of my favorites that I have edited for voice mail, now that answering machines are themselves obsolete like me.

From Bob's list:

• (Narrator's voice)  There Don sits, reading a magazine.  Suddenly the telephone rings!  The bathroom explodes into a veritable maelstrom of toilet paper, with Don in the middle of it, his arms windmilling at incredible speeds!  Will he make it in time?  Alas, no.  His valiant effort is in vain.  The tone hath sounded.  Thou must leave a message.

From Al's Text Humor Page:

• This is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.
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• [In a drawling granny voice] Way back inna winner of fifty-two, we didn' have fanshy gadjets like no smart phones with voice mail. You jusht had to call and call until shummbody got home. Now, shum people, dey shay dey don' like 'em, but I shay it'll shave you a lotta trouble if you jusht leave a meshage. Thanksh a lot.
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• Hello. You are talking to a phone. I am capable of receiving messages. My owner does not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. He gives to charity through the office and doesn't need his picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and he will get back to you.
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• You know what I hate about voice mail messages? They go on and on, wasting your time. I mean, all they really need to say is, "I'm not available, leave a message." That's why I've decided to keep mine simple and short. I pledge to you, dearest caller, that you will never have to suffer through another long voice mail message when you call me...
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• You have reached the CPX-2000 Voice Blackmail System. Your voice patterns are now being digitally encoded and stored for later use. Once this is done, our computers will be able to use the sound of YOUR voice for literally thousands of illegal and immoral purposes. There is no charge for this initial consultation. However our staff of professional extortionists will contact you in the near future to further explain the benefits of our service, and to arrange for your schedule of payment. Remember to speak clearly at the sound of the tone. Thank you.

My favorite, though, is the simplest:

• Hi.  Now you say something.